A Wedding With Alex

My grandparents’ old, white, two-story, wood country house with green trim and large windows sat far off the street, on a big, open grassy plot of land. There was an acre of grass in front of the house that had a simple U-shaped asphalt driveway with slightly overgrown grass edges. The front yard had a few oak trees for shade and some scattered rose bushes and hedges. The backyard seemed to go on for miles, butting up against the wooded hills in the distance. It was a long, grassy field that had one huge, old oak tree not too far from the back of the house.

The old country house’s big, wide windows let in a lot of natural light and outside air, which is exactly how my grandmother loved it, and it had a wide downstairs porch that wrapped entirely around the whole downstairs like a skirt. The house was up on stilts in case of flooding, so there was a wide wooden stairway up to the front door and a wide wooden stairway up to the back door, as well as some intricate and beautiful white wood lattice that went all around the bottom of the house to hide the stilts and empty space. The house had that beautiful, traditional riverside, southern, country house look, even though the house actually sat well over two miles from the river. I always said that when you were at my grandparents’ house, it felt like you had gone back in time, both because of the old-timey house itself, and because of the old southern hospitality you received when you were there.

The old country house sat in an old southern town – the little town where I grew up. It was a very small, tightly-knit little community of old country houses that had been built by hand by old country families over the last two centuries on sprawling plots of land that had once been a wide, wooded valley. It was one of those little southern towns where everyone knew everyone else. I was part of the fifth generation of my family to be born there. People always said that it was a quiet little town, referring to there not being too much commotion ever going on, but whenever I traveled back to this little town from the busy tech-center city in which I lived, one of the very first things I noticed when I arrived was the actual quiet of the whole area.

The thing I will always remember most about that old country house, apart from my grandparents themselves, of course, is the big downstairs bathroom. We never knew for sure if my grandfather intended for it to be a long, narrow, odd rectangle of a room, but the family story was that he never actually drew out plans for the house – he just started building it – and it really seemed like he ended up with some extra space downstairs. I believed, though there was no way for me to know for sure, that when he realized he had this extra space, he turned it into a big, long bathroom so that my grandmother had more than enough space for getting ready for her southern balls and dances that she loved to go to so much when my grandparents were young.

I had asked my grandmother one time when I was young – “Grandma, why is that downstairs bathroom so long and skinny?” – and she said that my grandfather designed it to be long and skinny like himself. She was always answering with witty comments like that – which I did love – but it never allowed a person to actually get to the truth of the answer that they were seeking.

So, you opened the bathroom door and it was – not exaggerating – twenty feet to the window on the opposite side of the room, though the bathroom was only seven feet wide. There was an old-style original brass and porcelain tub a few feet inside on the left, longways against the wall, complete with brass piping and faucets that you could see coming up out of the hardwood floor. Passed the tub on the left was a frosted glass shower that my grandfather added later – as my grandmother said – “once folks started showering more than bathing”. To the right was a cabinet and countertop with two big oval-shaped white porcelain sinks. The counter top was still made up of the original old white glossy ceramic tiles my grandfather chose to use – so, so many tiles – because that countertop went down the whole length of the room – the full twenty feet. My grandmother would say that countertop was big enough to sleep two people or two couples easy in a pinch. It always made me smile and chuckle a bit when she said that.

The downstairs bathroom, like the rest of that old two-story country house, smelled so strongly of old wood. You know that smell wood makes once it’s been around for a while – in this case, wood from the oak trees my grandfather cleared off the large plot of land on which the house now sat. I often imagined that the latter days of the old west smelled just like the inside of that old downstairs bathroom. Granted, I am sure there were other smells back in those old west days, but I would like to think when you pushed open those swinging saloon doors and stepped in, that saloon smelled just like my grandparents’ old country house.

The wood cabinetry below that long white ceramic tile countertop had seen some better days. Most of the hinges on the cabinet doors were still original, at least a good sixty years old now since my grandfather, at nineteen years-old, built those cabinets right into this long downstairs bathroom. Just imagine that – nineteen years-old and already owning and clearing land and building a house for your new wife. When I was nineteen, I was working in the mall at a clothing store, deciding whether or not I was going to keep going to college and considered a three-week romantic relationship a pretty long stretch. Granted, I was getting near thirty now and had managed to squeak together a life that my grandfather would have been proud of, but still, my generation definitely was not starting land empires and building houses at nineteen.

After a four-hour non-stop redeye flight that took me nearly 2,500 miles away from my new hometown, a two-hour drive from the airport to my hotel, checking in while getting a little bit of an attitude from the female desk clerk, then another nearly hour drive to my grandparents’ house, followed by a quick family breakfast during which the attitude was supplied by my mother who mentioned on three separate occasions that both my hair and fingernails were much too long, a quick wedding ceremony rehearsal, and a hike with my two sisters into the hills just to spend some time together, I was happy to be all alone in that oddly long downstairs bathroom in that big, old country house, about to get cleaned up and dressed to celebrate what was going to be a long-remembered day for our family, my older sister June’s wedding.

June was my grandmother’s name, and June being the oldest of us three daughters, my mother naturally bestowed her with the honor of getting Grandma’s name. I was always so envious of that. When someone would call out, “June....”, both my grandmother and my sister would turn around and say, “Yes?....” and then they would laugh together, and then everyone else would laugh, and I, without the name June, would just sit there stewing, all mad because I had not been named after anyone. I would always say to myself that if I had been born first, I would have been June, and not April, which was the name I chose for myself because I always felt the name Alex, which was the name my mother gave me, never quite fit me right.

I was still wearing the black little tennies, black short socks, tight black leggings and big, loose, non-descript, long black cotton T-shirt I always wore when I traveled via plane. Picture an ultra-plain outfit that someone who was trying very hard not to get noticed by other people would wear. I had thought about changing into something a bit more my style at the hotel before driving to my grandparents’ house, but I figured my airplane outfit could also work as my breakfast, rehearsal, and hiking outfit for the morning, so I just left it on. Plus, it was always much easier to just wear something plain around my mother than have her ridicule me for what I was wearing.

But now, with our hike complete, I was in the big downstairs bathroom to start getting ready for June’s wedding that we, of course, were having at my grandparents’ big, old country house because that is where everyone in the family got married. That big, open backyard with lots of green grass, and rolling green hills with tall green trees as the backdrop, was the perfect place to get married, and of course, it also had so much family history.

My grandmother would always say how she wanted so bad for her and my grandfather to be buried somewhere on their land, not too far from their house, but the county would just not allow such a thing any more by the time my grandfather passed away. It always broke my heart a little bit when I heard my grandmother recount the tale of how she tried to bury my grandfather there on his land, but lost her fight with the county and local cemetery.

Just then, as all of these thoughts were swirling in my head while I was standing there, looking around that big, skinny bathroom, I was startled by a knock on the bathroom door. I immediately looked over to the closed bathroom door to see who it was. See, the old-timey bathroom in the old-timey house had an old-timey farmhouse door with a wood bottom half and clear, lightly frosted glass top half, much like an old office door from the early 1900s. While you couldn’t see the face of the person that was standing at the door when you were inside, you usually could tell who it was. Of course, it was my mother, undoubtedly wanting to see what was taking me so long.

“Alex, are you OK in there?” my mother called through the door. She knocked again, as if I had somehow not heard her knocking so loudly the first time. “What is taking you so long? It seriously cannot take you that long to get dressed!”

I sighed loudly and audibly so she could hear and gave her the devil-eye-look-of-death through that lightly frosted glass. “Mother, I am fine!” I called out. “The wedding doesn’t start for hours!”

I always got so annoyed when she rushed me! She always let my sisters take their time, but for me, it was always rush, rush, rush, hurry up and get ready quick.

“I need you out there helping to finish set up the chairs! We don’t want guests arriving and having no place to sit to wait for the ceremony to start!”

I sighed loudly and audibly again. I knew she could hear me, and probably could envision the nasty look I was giving her through that frosted glass as well. “There will be plenty of men out there to set up chairs, Mother!” I called back at her. “Uncle George, Uncle Riley, Uncle Steve, Uncle Bill, Uncle Ashley. So many uncles out there, mother! Surely they can manage without me!”

“Your uncles are all getting old!” she yelled through the door. “They might not be able to set up chairs as easily anymore!” I had to shake my head and laugh a little bit. My whole life, Mother had me helping people because they were getting old, or they were getting tired, or they were getting thirsty, or they were getting something.

“They will be fine, Mother!” I called back. “I will be ready when I am ready.” And then I realized that, of course, she had called me Alex, the name she had chosen for me, instead of April, the name that I had chosen. “And stop calling me Alex, Mother! I keep telling you to call me April!”

My mother rapped her knuckles on that bathroom door one more time for emphasis as she yelled, “Child, I am not calling you April! Your name is Alex, dammit!”

And with that, I could hear her heels clicking away on the hardwood floor and see her shadow disappearing through that frosted glass. I sighed out slowly, calmly, and fanned my hands out away from my body. It was my sister’s wedding day and I was not going to let my mother ruin it for me – no matter how hard she tried.

With my mother gone from the door, I finally settled in to getting ready. As I said a little earlier, my older sister June, my younger sister Nicky, and I had spent the final hour or so of the morning on a hike up into the hills at the edge of the property to spend a little time together before the wedding, as well as to get away from our mother for a spell, and I was admittedly something ripe in my leggings and big, loose cotton T-shirt. And when I was ripe like this, post-workout, nothing made me feel better than my cleaning and beauty regimen. That was actually why I was all alone down there in the big downstairs bathroom – because I simply needed all that room – and because while June and Nicky could always get ready in the same bathroom on account of Nicky just staying out of June’s way, when it came to me and June getting ready in the same space, someone was going to get accidentally elbowed or end up on the floor after having tripped over the other’s foot somehow.

Comfortable that my mother was going to leave me alone for at least a little bit, I started the bathtub running with some mildly warm water – just the perfect temperature for a midday soak. With it being June – of course, June was getting married in June – it was already starting to get a little warm out, and the last thing I wanted was to end up getting too hot and too sweaty while I was trying to get cleaned up from being just that – hot and sweaty.

Taking a bath had always been such a lovely luxury for me. In my house, growing up, it was a female-only luxury that I enjoyed sneaking every chance I got since I was not allowed. According to my mother, showers were for boys and baths were for girls. It was as if she somehow knew this as clear as pink was for girls and blue was for boys, and if you were on her Christmas list, you were getting a doll if you were a girl and a toy truck if you were a boy.

As the bathtub filled, I unzipped the garment bag I hung on the shower when I first arrived at the house that morning and started to dig into the small travel bag inside that I had packed with my jewelry, makeup, and beauty regimen supplies. I always liked to have my things laid out and prepared as I would need them. My own special body wash, my own special loufa, my body razor, my body lotion for afterwards, my face shaver, and then all of my moisturizers and makeup all laid out in the order I used them, followed by whatever jewelry I was wearing that day, which today was a cute silver necklace with a big rhinestone A and some beautiful, dangling silver and rhinestone heart earrings, both of which Nicky had a matching set, just with an N on her necklace.

I had roommates in college tease me about my precise beauty regimen, especially the part about me ensuring everything was laid out in the order in which it got used, all on the counter, left to right.

With everything in place, and the tub full, I turned off the water, took off my black little tennies and black little socks, peeled off my still-soaked workout clothes and undergarments, and slid inside the big, free-standing porcelain and brass tub with such a feeling of relief and comfort. I was starting to marvel that my mother had only bothered me the one time about helping set up the chairs as I spent the first few minutes in the warm water just relaxing.

I ensured I was clean and smelling much better, and then, commenced the very daunting effort of shaving my body hair. One thing I definitely inherited from my dad’s side of the family was thick body hair. My sisters were so lucky to get the body hair from my mother’s side. Nicky said she still could go a week without having to shave her legs, but that was definitely not the case for me. It was pretty much once a day, pretty much the whole body. I could skip a day here and there, but once I woke up the second day, it was just nasty. I had tried just about everything – electrolysis, creams, pills, you name it – and while they all worked to some degree to lessen my natural fur coat, I still had resolved myself to the fact that I was going to have to shave my entire body every day until the end of time.

I was originally going to rush through the shave, but thought again, why not take my time? I had a few hours before the wedding guests started arriving, and June had Nicky upstairs with her if she needed any help getting ready. So, following the body shave, I lounged a bit more in the temperate water, and just enjoyed being back in that big, long bathroom in that big country house once more, reminiscing about all the time I spent there growing up, especially the times I was there without my mother or my sisters, when it was just me and Grandma. Those were just such lovely times! I could always just be myself when it was just me and my grandmother. Whatever I wanted, however I wanted – Grandma always obliged me, even if it was something she knew my mother would not be particularly fond of me doing, buying, eating, or wearing.

I honestly was not sure how long I had been in the tub when I finally decided that I should get out and get on with the beauty treatment. It seemed like I had been in the tub long enough to get really relaxed, but still short enough that my mother had not yet come rapping at the door again. I toweled off with one of those amazing, big, fluffy, comfy, yellow terry cloth towels that Grandma always had in the bathroom. They always smelled so good – so clean and fresh. It was one of those smells that I always remembered and took with me in my mind no matter where I went. Every time I used any other towel in the world, I thought of and missed Grandma’s big, fluffy yellow towels.

I wrapped that big towel around me under my arms and proceeded to lotion up all the needed places, then went and stood before the mirror and the right of the two sinks that were recessed into that big, long counter. I always used the sink on the right, closest to the door, furthest from the window, for some reason. I wasn’t really sure why – it just seemed like the correct one to use.

Fortunately, my bridesmaid dress was a flowy halter dress that I could step into and did not have to go over my head so I could enjoy the luxury of doing my makeup and my hair without having to wear the dress. I always wondered if male fashion designers ever took that into consideration – how you put on a dress – not just how it looked, how it felt, and how it made you feel. I hated having to put a dress on before doing my makeup because I always had to be so much more careful than doing the opposite.

I made quick work of the beauty chore I hated the most – shaving my face – and then, proceeded with the moisturizer, the foundation, powder, blush, eyeshadow, eyeliner, mascara, and finally the lipstick. Not every time, but just about every time I was doing my makeup, I remembered how I initially learned from watching my mother show June how to do her makeup. Mother would sit with June in June’s room at June’s cute little white and pink vanity with the bright white, globe lightbulbs around the mirror – that I always wanted, of course – and show her step-by step how to do each thing, overly explaining the whole process to her. June would listen intently and do exactly as my mother said as I would watch from the doorway to June’s room, peeking around the corner.

My mother would know I was there, even though I was trying to hide, and look at me funny a few times, then eventually tell me to skedaddle and go do something outside. Sometimes my father would walk by and say that June was too young for makeup and my mother would tell him to skedaddle and go do something outside.

Just about every time I was in front of a mirror, doing my makeup, no matter where I was, or how big of a hurry I was in, I would remember that adorable little white and pink vanity, being told to skedaddle, and my father being told to do the same. Just about every time, I would remember how, during those years of my childhood, I wished I was June, and that her vanity was my vanity, and that my mother was showing me how she did her makeup, and that my father would be saying that about me being too young to wear makeup.

A few years later, when I was the same age that June was when Mother gave her those makeup lessons, Father was gone, and while June still had her white and pink vanity, mother would never entertain doing the same with me – getting me my own little vanity and showing me how she did her makeup. Then, when Nicky was old enough and she got her own pretty little vanity and makeup lessons from Mother, I knew the time for my mother to ever show me those things had passed and was never going to come to be for me, so I simply remembered what I had seen before my mother shooed me away from June’s makeup lessons, and thankfully, had friends in college that were willing to help finish the makeup lessons I never fully received properly when I was younger.

With my makeup complete and far nicer than any makeup job I had ever seen my mother do herself – which, of course gave me such satisfaction, and I knew upset her to no end – I turned to my hair. And while I complained all the time about my furry, thick body hair, I had been blessed with amazing, thick, long, dark hair from my father’s side of the family that grew faster than anyone’s I knew, including June and Nicky, who both had thinner hair – June’s a beautiful blonde and Nicky’s a beautiful light brown. And, of course, both my sisters had beautiful crystal blue eyes just like my mother’s – unlike the dark brown eyes like my dad’s that I had.

I had been blessed with meeting a girl in college that ended up being my roommate for a number of years after we graduated who was a hairdresser. She worked out of our kitchen when she wasn’t doing on-site professional work, and just how I learned from watching my mother give June makeup lessons, I learned how to do a pretty mean do or two from watching this friend work over the years. While June and Nicky were having their hair done upstairs by a professional hairdresser that my mother knew, I was left to my own devices in the downstairs bathroom. June and Nicky were doing up-dos, so naturally, mine was going to be half-up-half-down with a cute little flare in the front. June and Nicky were getting fresh white flower embellishments and I was wearing a white silk flower headband that I already had in my accessory collection. June and Nicky offered to insist that the hairdresser do my hair as well that day, but I knew it was just going to be so much easier – so much less of a fight with my mother – to just do my own hair.

I made quick work of doing my hair and was quickly adequately impressed with how it came out. And then, it came – there was the rapping of Mother’s knuckles on the door again. “Alex, why are you still in there? What is taking you so long?”

“Mother! I am almost done!” I hollered through the frosted glass. How many times had I hollered back at that woman through a bathroom door? “Go bother someone else for a while!”

She pounded on the door twice and then tried the knob.

“Really, Mother?!” I half-hollered and half-sighed. “No boundaries!”

“Just hurry up!” she retorted, and once again, I heard her heels clicking away, but this time, within seconds, I heard another set of heels clicking towards the door.

I recognized that gait and that figure behind the frosted glass and was smiling ear to ear. It was my grandmother. “April, honey, you take as long as you need to get ready.”

“Thank you, Grandma!” I hollered through that door, trying hard not to start tearing up and ruining my amazing makeup job.

“I love you, honey,” Grandma said as she started to walk away.

“I love you, too!” I hollered back to her with such joy.

Once again, I sighed and pushed my hands down along my sides, as once again, I told myself to simply ignore my mother and be calm. It was June’s wedding, not my mother’s. It was my grandmother’s house, not my mother’s. It was my life, not my mother’s. Calm blue ocean, etc.

After giving myself a second, I checked my hair and makeup in the mirror and decided it was all perfect and it was time to get dressed. I walked over to the garment bag and pulled out the white patent leather six-inch heels that Nicky and I had decided to wear since we both had the same pair and they matched nicely with our bridesmaid dresses, which were a lovely royal blue satin.

I placed the heels on the floor and then reached into the garment bag to pull out the lingerie I had picked for the day. While royal blue was the color June had chosen for Nicky and I to wear that day, it was also one of my favorite colors to wear, so needless to say, I had a ton of lingerie options in that exact color already in my possession.

I had chosen this really cute royal blue lacy strapless bra and thong panty set I wore with this really cute royal blue cocktail dress I loved to wear to weekend gatherings when I went out with my girlfriends back home. I really wanted to wear stockings and a garter belt, but Nicky just did not want to wear pantyhose, and since I could not convince her to give stockings and a garter belt a try, we were going bare-legged for the day. I guess it wasn’t too bad since it was June – the month – and it would be nice and temperate out. Oh, and of course, Miss June – my sister – was wearing a garter belt and stockings under her wedding dress, because everything always worked out perfectly for June.

I pulled the bra out with a smile, but then that smile faded when I reached back in to pull out the cute little matching thong panties and came to the realization that they simply were not in the garment bag. I was mortified. I had packed everything so carefully. I had checked and rechecked and rechecked again. I thought for sure I had put those panties in that garment bag. And then, it hit me. Other than the nasty, sweaty things I wore hiking, I had no other garments in the house. All of my things were in my hotel room, almost an hour’s drive away. Naturally, Nicky, June, and Mother all had stayed the night at my grandparents’ house, but me being me and having the relationship I did with my mother, I had booked a hotel room far outside of town at the fancy place we could never have afforded to stay at when I was growing up.

I looked at my own perplexed reflection in the mirror. What to do? Go with no panties? I simply could not do that. What if the wind picked up? What if I fell at some point? Being embarrassed at people seeing your panties is one thing, but that happening without wearing panties is simply something I could not allow to happen, especially the day of June’s wedding – and oh my god – especially because of my mother and her never, ever, never, ever letting me hear the end of it if something like that happened.

What to do?

I reached for my phone, which I had put in the garment bag when we went on our hike. Normally, this would be a call to one of my girlfriends back home and they would be on their way to rescue me from this predicament, but they were all thousands of miles away. Next on the list, honestly, would have been June, but not on her wedding day. You are never supposed to present the bride with any problems on her big day, especially just a couple hours before the guests start arriving. It was going to have to be Nicky.

I promptly called Nicky, anxiously waiting for her to pick up. She answered, laughing, and I could hear June and my mother laughing and talking in the background with the hairdresser. “Hey,” Nicky said quickly and softly, almost in a whisper. It was as if she was trying to hide the fact that it was me on the phone – assuredly because my mother was right there.

“Hey,” I rejoined. “Big problem.”

“Oh yes?” Nicky asked, still almost a whisper. “What is that?

“Forgot panties.”

Nicky laughed, pretty loudly as she asked, “Really?”

“Yeah. I don’t know what to do.”

Nicky was quiet for a second, as if she was thinking, then said, returning to her whisper, “I have an extra pair with me.” I could practically see her trying to hide the fact that she was on the phone so my mother would not ask her who had called.

“Seriously?!” I asked with glee. “What color?”

Nicky muffled her laugh this time. “Seriously? Beggars, choosers.”

“What color?!” I demanded.

“The right color. You’re such a freakin’ princess.”

“Shut up,” I laughed.

“You shut up.” Nicky laughed as quietly as she could.

“Bring them to me?” I begged through the phone.

“OK. Be there in a sec.”

I put my phone back in my garment bag and breathed out a serious sigh of relief. Crisis averted. Thank you, little sister!

From inside the bathroom, I could literally hear Nicky’s steps in her heels on the old wood floors, going out the guest bedroom and into the hallway above, down the stairs, and over to the frosted glass and wood bathroom door. Nicky’s cute little frame behind that frosted glass was such a welcome sight. She didn’t knock because she knew I could see her standing there.

I made my way over to the door, unlocked it, and opened it just enough while I hid from the outside behind the door, holding my towel in place for dear life since I had no idea who might have shown up to the house for the wedding already. Nicky’s skinny little hand and her perfectly manicured long royal blue fingernails thrust around the door and presented me with the panties.

They weren’t a thong, a little to my chagrin, but they were royal blue satin with white lace edging – very vintage and still supercute. I grabbed them from her hand and said, “Thank you, Nicky...” in that little tone I always used when she did something for me that the older sister should never have relied on the younger sister to handle for her.

“You are welcome, April...” Nicky said in the mocking tone she always used whenever I said thank you to her in my tone.

I quickly closed and locked the door and set about getting dressed. I removed the big, fluffy yellow towel from around me and folded it, then hung it gently over the side of the bathtub. I slid on the panties, which luckily, were a perfect fit. I then clasped the strapless bra behind me and slid in my little secret silicone enhancers that took me from an A cup to a pretty solid B cup.

After taking a quick look at my lingerie in the mirror to ensure everything looked OK, I then moved back over to the garment bag, took out, and then stepped into the bridesmaid dress, finally pulling it up and tying it in place. It was a beautiful, short royal blue satin open-back halter dress that tied in a big, pretty bow behind my neck. It was plunging in front, but still very classy looking, and still high enough that I could wear my pretty little royal blue lace strapless bra underneath without it being seen. Picture Marilyn Monroe’s famous white satin halter dress, just in a beautiful royal blue and a bit shorter. I checked everything in the mirror one more time and then slid on my white patent leather six-inch heels.

I made short work of picking up my black tennies, socks, and dirty traveling clothes and putting them into the plastic shopping bag I brought for them, then putting them into the hanging garment bag. I put all of my beauty things back into my travel bag and then put the travel bag into the garment bag as well, zipped up the garment bag, and left it hanging right there on the shower.

With everything in the bathroom cleaned up, I once again checked myself in the mirror and let out a sigh once more. It was time. My time of getting ready all by myself and enjoying my beauty routine as well as doing my hair and putting on this lovely and amazing little dress and cute white high heels was over. Now, I was going to have to go out there and face my mother. Now, I was going to have to go out there and face some of the family members and folks from my small little hometown that I just did not like seeing, solely because they did not like seeing me. They, quite simply, did not want me to exist in their world, even though I did. The quiet and relaxing part of my day was at an end.

I took a deep breath, smiled at myself in the mirror, taking in the beautiful and lovely girl that was staring back at me, and then reached for the bathroom door. I unlocked it, swung it open, and stepped outside, all with my eyes closed. I know that seems weird, but it is something that I often did when I stepped out into the world – a way to prepare myself for what might be coming at me. With my eyes closed, once I opened them, everything kind of took me by surprise, but the good surprises always far outnumbered the bad surprises.

I opened my eyes and standing there in the kitchen, just about ten feet away or so, was my grandmother. It seemed that she was the only one within eyesight of me and I was so relieved. I was so happy it was just Grandma standing there.

Grandma looked at me with a bit of a blank stare and a slightly open mouth, as she usually did when she saw me all dolled up like this. It was a look of surprise, wonderment, and pride, all wrapped into one. And her look was always followed with exactly the same words every time, which is exactly what she said in that moment while she was standing in the kitchen, with a huge smile on her face.

“Oh my god...April...look at you! You are so beautiful! So pretty! I wish your grandpa and your dad were here to see the beautiful young woman you have become and all that you have accomplished already.” Literally every time, she said it the exact same way, word for word, and it never once sounded rehearsed or ingenuine. It was always filled with so much love in how she said it and through the smile on her face and light in her eyes. I swear my mother never once looked at me like that, ever, no matter how I looked, what I wore, what I did, whatever I accomplished in life. It was always Grandma that supported me like this – always Grandma that said such lovely and wonderful things to me.

I walked towards my grandmother as she literally wiped away a tear. I reached out my arms and she reached out hers as I did all that I could not to break out into a few tears myself. When I reached her, there in the kitchen, I bent down to her height – she was already a foot and a half shorter than me without my six-inch heels – and embraced her tightly.

“Thank you, Grandma,” I said to her. “You have always loved and supported me no matter what and I love you so much for that. You are the best grandmother a girl could have ever asked for.”

Grandma and I held our embrace for a few seconds, swaying a bit from side to side and holding each other tight. She truly was the most supportive person in all of my life thus far. I could stand and hug that woman for hours and hours. I slowly pulled back from the hug and looked down at my grandmother’s still smiling face as she reached up and put a hand on each of my cheeks, holding my head.

“So beautiful,” she said, shaking her head a little.

I then sighed while still smiling and asked what I so often ended up asking after Grandma and I shared our moments like these. “But, what about Mother?”

“Never mind that, sweetheart,” Grandma said to me, smiling. “This is your sister’s wedding, not your mother’s. You have every right to be here and every right to be yourself. You just remember that we all love you very, very much.”

Grandma and I maintained our smile and she kept her hands on my face for a few seconds more, and then, I could hear two sets of heels coming down the stairs behind me. I turned away from my grandmother to face the stairs and I could immediately tell that Nicky was coming down first, and I assumed my mother was following her closely behind – probably anxious to tell me to hurry up and get out of the bathroom if I was not ready yet.

My grandmother had lowered her hands when I had turned to face the stairs, but had immediately moved them to hold my hand that was closest to hers, offering me her support, letting me know that she was right there standing next to me as I waited for my mother to see me standing there in the kitchen.

Nicky’s face lit up with her beautiful, lovely smile when she grew closer to the bottom of the stairs and could see me. My little sister was absolutely gorgeous by any standard. I always said that she was the prettiest of the three of us, hands down. June was gorgeous, too, don’t get me wrong, but Nicky was model pretty. She was so fit and always took such good care of herself. Absolutely feminine – about as feminine as me – us both being more girly and cutesy than June. Nicky looked amazing in the same little dress I was wearing, so much more beautiful with her hair all done up and the fresh white flowers in her hair.

 “Oh my god, April!” Nicky shouted as she reached that last step. “Girl, you look gorgeous!”

I looked Nicky right in the eyes and mouthed without actually saying it, “Thank you. I love you.” I could see my mother was right behind Nicky, hurrying down the stairs now that she had heard Nicky say that to me, and that made me way too nervous to say what I said to Nicky out loud.

Nicky reciprocated by literally shouting to me, “I love you!”

My eyes then left Nicky’s as she moved out of the way so that my mother could finish hurrying down the stairs. Nicky’s eyes left mine at the same time and looked up towards my mother. I could see Nicky’s expression literally begging my mother for this time to be different. My mother had not seen me yet and I could not yet see her face, but I already could imagine the look she was giving me. Just like how what my grandmother said to me each time she saw me all fancied up like this was exactly the same, so was the look on my mother’s face each time she saw me like this.

From the very first time I came home from college, until this very day, ten years later, it was the same exact look on my mother’s face. She also took that same moment of pause my grandmother did when she saw me, but instead, my mother’s pause was followed by a look of disappointment, disdain, distance, terror, and anger – all in the same look! It chilled my spine and hurt my heart just as potently every single time to see that look on her face. I knew that it would feel the same today as it felt that very first time ten years ago. I had known my mother my entire life and I was the only person that I had ever seen her look at like that.

Sure enough, as she reached the bottom of the stairs, despite the looks of encouragement and hope on both Nicky’s and my grandmother’s faces, my mother had the exact look I was expecting on her face. I don’t know how I still hoped after all of these years that one day she would not look at me like that. I thought maybe that day – June’s wedding – might be the day, but it looked like it wasn’t.

My mother shook her head, still with that same look on her face. “Dammit, Alex!” she shouted, startling all three of us a bit at the volume and strength in her voice. “It’s your sister’s wedding! You couldn’t just be normal for one day?!”

I breathed out a sigh. That word – normal – it always cut so deep – especially when it came from my mother. For all that I had done with my life – all I had accomplished – paying my own way through college, graduating with honors, supporting myself and never asking anyone for help, working hard, starting my own business – for all of my success – all that mattered to my mother was how I looked and what I wore – and that I fit into her perfectly manicured understanding of normalcy.

I gave my mother that evil eye look I had given her earlier through the bathroom door and said matter-of-factly, “June is the one who asked that I be a bridesmaid today.”

“Yeah, well, your sister has always indulged you way too much, just like your father, and just like you!” My mother said that last part while pointing at my grandmother.

“Don’t you point at me in my own house, missy,” my grandmother retorted. My grandmother never yelled, but she had this tone that she could use that was far more powerful than yelling. “April is amazing and beautiful. You are lucky to have such an amazing daughter – such an amazing person as your child. Three lovely and amazing daughters.”

I could see my mother’s frustration and anger boiling over. I had never seen anything anger her as much as when my grandmother defended me. I think my grandmother defending me angered my mother even more than me being April angered her.

“Two, Mother!” my mother shouted as she looked at my grandmother. “I have two daughters! Two beautiful and lovely daughters!” My mother then looked at me. “And one really confused son!”

With that, my mother started to walk towards the back door. “Mother!” Nicky shouted after her, followed quickly by my grandmother shouting, “Hold it right there, girl!” Wow, Grandma was actually yelling now. I swear it was the first time I had ever heard her yell like that – and call my mother girl!

My mother was fuming, but stopped in her tracks and looked at my grandmother with an angry expression, but still nothing like how she looked at me. My mother then turned and looked up the stairs, I assumed at June, who must have come out of the guest room upstairs when she heard all the yelling. “I told you that I wanted Alex at the wedding,” my mother called up to June.

June didn’t miss a beat and said back to Mother from beyond where I could see her, “Well, I told you that I wanted April at the wedding, and while I do love you Mother, this is my wedding, not yours.”

Before my mother could respond to June, my grandmother spoke up again. “If June wants April in her wedding, then you will let June have the wedding that she wants!”

My mother’s gaze moved from looking up the stairs at June to back over at my grandmother. “But-!” My mother started in.

“No!” My grandmother quickly cut her off. “This is June’s wedding. And this is my house! April is April, and not Alex, and it is high time that you started accepting that! You don’t have to like it, but you will accept it today or else it is time for you to leave!”

The look on my mother’s face! Her eyes were the widest I had ever seen them. My grandmother had scolded her before in front of us, but never like this. I was squeezing my grandmother’s hand and she was squeezing right back. My mother remained steadfast, I think solely out of shock. My grandmother was a quiet woman, always happy, always smiling, always helping people out, always putting out good things into the universe. I had never heard her talk like that, with that much force, and from the look on my mother’s face, I think neither had she.

“You have three – yes, three – beautiful, lovely, and amazing daughters! And they all three want to be a part of this day today, and you are not going to ruin this for June. No way. No how. You let this wedding happen today how June wants it, or we are done, me and you.”

Nicky and I looked at each other with utter shock. I would never have imagined my grandmother saying that to anyone, ever, let alone to her own daughter.

My mother was speechless. Literally. I don’t think if she could have thought of something to say she would have been able to say it. She shook her head, emitted a noise that was half grunt, half shriek, and then stormed out the back door. I followed my mother’s path with my eyes, fixated on the closed door for a few seconds after it closed behind her. I then looked back to Nicky and saw that she was starting to climb back up the stairs, quickly, but carefully.

“Careful!” Nicky said sternly, looking up the stairs as her hands reached upwards. Just then, a pair of white heels emerged down the stairs, followed immediately by what I definitely recognized as the ankle-length hemline of June’s big, poofy wedding dress.

I was immediately nervous at how quickly June was coming down the stairs, but thankfully, Nicky was there to steady her. I was also worried as to the expression I would see on June’s face, but was relieved when I saw that she was beaming ear to ear with a smile once I could see her, undoubtedly smiling so I would know that despite being upset with my mother, she was still happy to have me there as April that day for her wedding.

Like I said earlier, June was very pretty, long blonde hair, those crystal blue eyes, flawless complexion, fit, but not skinny  – in fact, a bit stockier than me – still feminine, but not all girly cutesy like Nicky and I were. Not a tomboy, but not a girly girl. And, of course, she looked absolutely amazing in her big white, fit-and-flare, poofy wedding dress, complete with intricate bead-work and sheer sleeves, along with a beautiful matching veil and those lovely fresh-cut flowers in her hair.

When June reached the bottom of the stairs, she reached her arms towards Grandma and hurried towards her. Grandma and I released each other’s hands and June and Grandma shared the same hug that Grandma and I had shared after I came out of the bathroom. “Grandma, thank you!” June said. “I cannot thank you enough!”

“You are welcome, my sweet angel,” Grandma said with her heart-warming smile, eyes closed, embracing her oldest granddaughter.

“I am so sorry,” June continued as she released from the hug, but kept holding Grandma’s hands at arms’ length. “We wanted to tell her before she saw April in her bridesmaid dress. We really did. We wanted to tell her beforehand so it wasn’t a shock, but we just knew that she would not have been able to handle it.”

“I know dear,” Grandma said. “I completely understand.”

June leaned in and kissed Grandma on the cheek, her hands not letting go, then returned to holding Grandma’s hands at arms’ length again. “She just doesn’t understand that April is April – all the time – that April is living every day – far, far away – because April cannot be April here in this town – here with Mother.”

“No, dear,” Grandma said, shaking her head. “I know that, believe me.”

My grandmother then looked at me. “I know why you moved away. I understand it competely. I miss you so very much, but you had no choice. You could not be you here in this town, here with your mother. I wish it was different, but we all love you, you know that.” Grandma paused as if thinking of the right way to say what was coming next. “Your mother – she loves you. She does. She just cannot understand all of this. I don’t know why, but she simply cannot get passed it. But, that is not on you, April. You need to live your life and be you. We all love you just the same, if not more. We just wake up every day and we are us. You – you wake up every day and you have to fight the world to be you. You are stronger than all of us. You are amazing.”

I had to look up at the ceiling as my eyes were tearing up. “Grandma!” I stammered out. “You’re making me cry!”

Grandma released June’s hands and embraced me again as I continued to look up and did my best to stop and absorb the tears with my index fingers. Why did we do that with our fingers like that? Why did it work?

My grandmother raised up on her toes and kissed me on the cheek. “You are going to have a wonderful day today. You are going to enjoy your sister’s wedding, and one day, my dear, you are going to come back here and you are going to get married at this old country house.”

I released from Grandma’s embrace and held her hands at arms’ length, just like June had done. The tears subsiding a little, but still sniffly, I managed to say, “Thank you. That means the world to me.”

“Now, you just make sure you do it soon because you know I ain’t gonna be around forever.” Grandma laughed like she did every time after saying that to us. Nicky, June, and I joined her in laughing at that, putting out of our minds how each time we heard it, it was closer to being the truth.

June then turned to face me and took my hands in hers. We looked at each other the same way we did every time we saw each other since that first time I came home from college as April. It was slightly different from how she and Nicky looked at each other. It was the same look in many regards, but just a little different, as if there was even more understanding there between me and her, even though her and Nicky’s lives were much more similar to each other. There was an unwritten understanding between June and I about who we were now – who we were to each other now – that was based on who we once were to each other before, when we were kids. I was once her odd-man-out little brother and now I was her loving and fully-accepted sister. There really was not an exact way to describe it. It was something someone would have to experience themselves to understand completely.

“Are you OK?” June asked. I loved that she still asked this whenever my mother confronted me – no matter the circumstances, no matter where we were, no matter how many years had passed since I told my mother about me being April and had come home from college that first time to show her. June already knew how I was going to respond, but the fact that she always asked let me know that she cared and that things were, in fact, going to be OK, no matter what.

I smiled as best as I could so that June could see I was still ready for the day – for her day. “I am,” I said, nodding, shaking her hands a little.

June leaned forward and kissed my cheek. “This is my day – my once-in-a-lifetime day – and I want you here – I want April here. I want my two sisters to be standing up there with me when I marry the love of my life. No matter what she says, no matter what she does, our mother is not going to ruin this for me, or for you. We simply are not going to let her. This day will end with me married and it will end with you still being April, come hell or high water.”

I was strong. I knew I was strong. I had endured far more than what my mother had just dished out, but June’s words meant so much to me. Her love and support and her words like these, that she constantly said to me, texted to me, emailed to me, always meant more than any slight from my mother or anyone else in the world ever could. “Hell or high water,” I repeated like I did every time June said that.

And as she usually did, Nicky said, “Hell or high water,” as she came and embraced June and I, gently moving the three of us together in an embrace. And surprising us in such a lovely manner, Grandma then embraced the three of us and said, “Hell or high water, girls. I am so proud of all three of you. You are all amazing women.”

After relishing in the moment and the embrace, the business of the coming wedding once again entered each of our minds. After a few additional pleasantries and loving smiles, we released from our group hug and Grandma returned to her kitchen duty, continuing to prepare the arrival appetizers and drinks that she insisted be available to guests as soon as they walked into the house. Even when June insisted that the welcome appetizers were not necessary and that all of the wedding guests could simply enter the backyard through the side of the house, Grandma flat out refused and said each wedding guest would walk through our grandfather’s house and each guest would be welcomed with food and drink before the ceremony. And, of course, when we offered to have the caterers that were serving the appetizers and meal following the ceremony handle the welcome appetizers and drinks as well, Grandma refused and said that she would handle that because it was her house where the wedding was taking place and it was her job as hostess that day to furnish the guest with their first food and drink at the event.

As June and Nicky turned to go back upstairs to ensure that June was out of sight when the groom and his one groomsman – his brother – arrived, I asked June why she came down the stairs and risked being seen by her fiancee, and she told me that once she heard and then saw Mother being Mother, she just had to come down and lend me her support and make sure I was all right. Naturally, I thanked both June and Nicky for supporting me once again.

I honestly wanted to go out into the backyard, and while not planning on helping to put out the chairs, as my mother insisted when I am sure she was certain I was going to emerge from the downstairs bathroom as Alex, wearing a tuxedo, even though I spent the whole rehearsal that morning standing on the bride’s side of the alter with my sisters, I did really feel like I could use some air. But, as usual, avoiding my mother’s little looks and overhearing her little comments won over what I wanted to do. So, instead, I busied myself with helping my grandmother in the kitchen.

We cut vegetables, we washed fruit, and we ensured glasses and beverages were at the ready. I had always enjoyed helping my grandmother in that big kitchen, especially when it was with June and Nicky and my grandmother was treating me just like one of the girls. Sometimes my mother would be there, and it would still be harmonious for a bit. I really reveled in those times, but inevitably, the harmony would be cut short when my mother insisted that I go run and play outside. Imagine spending your entire childhood being told to do things that you not only did not want to do, but seemed so unnatural as to betray the very nature of your being. And then, imagine being told that you were being crazy when you tried to explain to your mother that was how you felt.

Then, as my mind was lost in the memories of being shooed out of my grandmother’s kitchen by my mother, I heard a booming, strong voice call from behind me. “Oh my lord, is that April?!” The voice was a little older and a little deeper than I remembered, but there was no mistaking that it was my cousin Harry. Harry, who was nine months older than me. Harry, who my mother had always insisted that I should take after. Harry, who always covered for me when my mother asked if I had been rough-housing or joining in whatever sport was being played by all the boys in my grandmother’s backyard at some family gathering. Harry, who I had lost count of the number of times my mother insisted should have been her son instead of me.

I immediately put down the utensils in my hand and spun around to look towards the voice. There he stood, all six feet of him. The quintessential Baker man with perfect sandy blonde hair, in his beautiful black suit and shiny loafers. And, of course, he had those beautiful, shimmering crystal blue eyes that had eluded my genes. I immediately ran towards him, so genuinely happy to see my mother’s brother’s son who had, like June, helped me navigate my very atypical childhood.

“Don’t run!” Harry yelled to me, laughing, as he beamed with a smile and opened his arms to receive me. “Don’t run in those – “ I reached Harry and embraced him as tightly as I could “—heels!” Harry said those exact words every time I ran towards him and I always got to him before he finished saying them. The first time I came home from college that little moment happened and we repeated it every single time I saw him. What happened when I wasn’t wearing heels? Like that ever happened!

After a few seconds, Harry pushed me back to arms’ length and said with that beaming smile, “Look at you, girl! How in the world are you so pretty? No way you are related to this mug.” Harry pointed at his face like he always did whenever he referred to his face as his mug. Harry’s eyes then widened as if he remembered something. “Juney’s not downstairs is she?” he asked.

“No, she is upstairs with Nicky,” I said, reassuring him.

“Okay, good. Frank and Danny are literally right behind me. Don’t want Frank seeing the bride before the wedding, now.”

I remembered thinking how crazy that little superstition was when I was growing up and marveled at how I could not wait to be the bride that was being kept out of sight on her wedding day.

“Wait until you see June,” I said with such pride. “She looks so beautiful!”

“I am sure she does.” Harry’s face then contorted a bit, like one’s face does when they are about to bring up something unpleasant. “Your mom here?” he asked.

I rolled my eyes, breathed out, and grunted a bit all at once. “She is out back,” I smirked, “still waiting for Alex to show up.”

Harry tried to maintain his composure, but laughed wildly. Just then, Harry’s eyes moved beyond me as he saw my grandmother emerging from the kitchen. “Gram!” he called to her. He was the only one that called her that. It just totally worked for them. “The house looks amazing! The food and the drinks! You outdid yourself!”

My grandmother made her way over to us as she shook her head and retorted, “Nonsense. It’s not every day that a Baker gets married. And speaking of...”

Harry laughed again, shaking his head slowly. “Gram, they never can hold a candle to you. I am still waiting for one to impress me more than you do.”

My grandmother hugged Harry and told him to stop it, though we all knew she loved when he said that. “Get you some food and a drink, and maybe go out back and make sure the chairs are all set up?”

Harry nodded, “Of course. Can’t have people sitting on the grass.” With that, Harry walked over to the drink and appetizer table that was halfway between the front door and the kitchen, grabbed a glass of sweet tea, smiled at me once more, and then moved towards the back door as I looked to my grandmother and we shared a little chuckle at her mentioning about the chairs needing to be set up.

My grandmother made her way back towards the kitchen and I walked over towards the drink and appetizer table. I had just started to straighten things on the table when Frank and Danny made their way through the front door.

June’s fiancee, Frank stood a little over six feet tall with a very manly build, gait, and demeanor. He had sharply trimmed short black hair, light skin, a chiseled face, and blue eyes. He definitely was a very handsome guy. And just how my sister June was a sight to behold, a strong and assertive soul that lived life with passion and purpose, so was Frank.

We always joked that Frank and June were made for each other because when she was wearing her four-inch heels, June was the same exact height as Frank. We also sometimes joked that hopefully June would let him win every once in a while.

Frank and June met right after June finished college and started working as a staff lawyer at a small law office in town. June took the cases that the partners simply did not want but felt compelled to argue free of charge for one reason or another. Frank’s father was one of those law partners and Frank would stop in to the office from time to time. Frank and June pretty much immediately caught each other’s eye once June started working there for Frank’s dad. June figured that Frank was still off somewhere, studying to become a lawyer, but once she found out that he had ditched being the first fourth-generation lawyer in the family to start a marketing business, she was really intrigued. Frank and June had been dating for a little under three years when he popped the question, of course, while they were in the backyard at my grandmother’s house for my mother’s birthday party, an event that I, of course, had to miss because of whatever excuse I gave to not come home that time.

Frank’s younger brother, Danny, was still in college and on track, according to just about anyone in the Johnstone family, to be either a major league baseball player, the next Hollywood action movie hero, youngest Supreme Court Justice, or superstar hedge fund manager. And they all said that about Danny because not only was he was the pride and joy of the family, but he was also one of the top ranked college baseball players in the state, was an amazing stage actor, was right on track for Harvard Law, and studied economics and invested the family trust fund on the side in his spare time. And all of that was when he was not being the most perfect boyfriend in the world to my sister Nicky. Of course, right? The perfect guy, and June’s fiancee’s brother to boot – the Johnstone sons and the Baker daughters – minus me, of course.

Danny was the picture-perfect All-American college guy. Perfect hair, perfect bod, perfect smile, perfect grades, perfect family, perfect girlfriend. Tall, sandy blonde, deep green eyes, tanned just the right amount, and of course, charming as charming could be. Of the two brothers, Danny was the most accepting of me, mostly because he was younger and was still in college with a few girls like me in some of his classes. When I was in college, I was the only one at the school, even though it was in a pretty liberal city, far away from home.

In Frank’s case, however, I honestly felt, and could really tell, I was the first girl like me that he had ever encountered. With Danny, I always felt there was at least some genuine compassion and understanding there for me. With Frank, I really could tell that without me being June’s sister, he would never have even acknowledged my existence, let alone spoken to me.

Danny approached me first as the two Johnstone boys came into the house, with his usual friendly smile and his standard, “Hi, April!” and a little wave. The first time I met Danny a couple years back, he reached out to shake my hand and I shook it like I would have with anyone who did so – just like Alex would have back when I was Alex. The next time, Danny greeted me with a little wave instead. I never mentioned the handshake to Nicky, but she was standing right there, and I know she said something about it to him because he never reached out to shake my hand again.

“Hi, Danny,” I said with a smile. “You look very nice in your tux!”

“Why, thank you,” Danny said as he walked passed me, smiling. He kept his head turned towards me long enough to ask, “Where’s Nicky?”

“Upstairs with June,” I said, my head turning to follow him as he walked to the kitchen, undoubtedly to go and say hello to my grandmother.

I then looked to Frank who was following not too far behind Danny, but a little further away from me, almost as if he was trying to circle around me without having to burden himself with the labored greeting he usually gave me, which usually consisted of him not making eye contact and mumbling hello.

“Hi, Frank,” I said to him as he passed me. “I’m so happy about the big day!”

Frank looked towards me, somewhere about my mouth or chin. He never looked me in the eye. Three years and the only time he ever looked me in the eye was the day I met him, when he too, reached out and we shook hands. “Hi, April. Thanks,” was Frank’s hurried answer as he followed Danny into the kitchen and they both then greeted my grandmother in a much more genuine and loving fashion.

I stood there for a moment, trying, as usual, not to let the brothers Johnstone bother me. I tried to rationalize away their feelings about me to their upbringing, or the way things were in our small town, in this part of the country, with the people that lived there. I always tried to convince myself that one day the Johnstone boys would change their feelings, or that one day, how they felt would stop bothering me. But, I was pretty sure that neither one of those things was ever going to happen.

I returned my attention to the appetizer and drink table and needlessly moved things on it around a bit, appearing to be tidying up for the length of time that it took Frank and Danny to finish greeting my grandmother, exchange their usual pleasantries, thank her again for having the wedding at her house, and then disappear out the back door into the backyard to where I am sure my mother was ready to ask them to help set up some chairs if they were not all already set up.

Once the Johnstone boys had moved into the backyard, I walked back into the kitchen were my grandmother was already turned towards me with a smile. “Give it time, dear,” she said. “They will come around.”

I returned her smile and thanked her. I know she meant well and I know that she was just trying to make me feel better about the whole situation, as she usually did, but I think she knew just as well as I did the chances of that happening were extremely slim.

I know it was just a couple of hellos, but already I was feeling like I needed to see some friendly faces. “Do you need help with anything else?” I asked my grandmother. She knew I was only asking so that I could go upstairs and join my sisters so she said, “No, dear, I am all right. You go ahead and head upstairs. Thank you so much for your help.”

“You’re welcome,” I said as I then turned around and started walking towards the stairs.

“Love you!” Grandma called after me.

I turned over my shoulder and smiled at her. “Love you!” I returned.

I carefully made my way up the wood stairs, my heels clicking loudly and echoing through the staircase as I did so. I thought, as I did just about every time I was by myself and heard that sound, about how I felt I would never get tired of hearing it as I walked. I remembered loving those hard-soled boys’ shoes that made a similar clicking sound when you walked because they were the only shoes I could wear that would make a sound like that when I was growing up. I also remembered being so envious of June when my mother said she could finally start wearing heels.

As soon as I reached the landing, I could hear June and Nicky laughing about something through the open guest bedroom door that was not far from the top of the stairs. “Are you girls decent?” I asked loudly, mimicking my mother’s tone because she would often ask that when she would knock on June and Nicky’s bedroom door when we were younger.

“Yes, Mother,” I heard Nicky call back, still laughing. “We’re pretty decent.”

I turned and walked through the bedroom door to find my sisters sitting side-by-side on the edge of the big, wood-framed bed that had been in the guest bedroom for as long as I could remember. The house had four bedrooms upstairs, one for my grandparents, one for their boys, one for their girls, and one for their guests. I remembered asking my grandfather one time how he knew he would have two boys and two girls when he built the house and he said that he just knew it all along.

“Did we hear the boys getting here?” June asked.

“Yep,” I said in a pursed little smirk and tone. “They’re out back.” I never spoke ill of Frank and Danny to June and Nicky because I knew that my sisters truly loved them. I would mention it to my friends back home sometimes, knowing full well that there probably was never a chance that they would be in the same room with anyone from my family, not because I did not want that, but because I just knew that with how Mother and Frank were, it was just easier to keep that part of my life separate from my family.

“Come sit,” Nicky said, patting the mattress to her side. I walked towards that spot on the bed as she continued, “We were talking about that time mom and dad took us camping and we ended up getting a hotel room because it started pouring.”

“Oh my god,” I said as I sat on the bed. “Poor dad spent the whole trip lying to mom about teaching me rugged man stuff.”

June and Nicky laughed aloud. Their memories of that trip were different than mine since they and Mother stayed back at the camp while my father and I went hiking and fishing. I knew they were most likely not talking about my experience on that trip when they were laughing earlier. I was sure they were laughing about my mother making them do girly things like preparing the food and cleaning up the campsite when they just wanted to play in the dirt and the river and have fun.

“Oh my god, I totally remember,” June said. “She kept asking him if you put the worm on the hook, and he kept telling her yes, and you could tell she never believed him.”

“Ugh,” I grunted, shaking my head. “Dad told me that he didn’t even like to fish with worms. He liked using those red berry things that worked better, but mom insisted that he stop and get live bait so I could put the worm on the hook, like if somehow that was going to fix me.”

My sisters laughed and laughed and I enjoyed hearing it. It always just felt so perfect when it was the three of us. I was what I always wanted to be when it was just the three of us – just one of the girls. Just April. Just me.

“Oh!” June shouted. “And that time that she made Dad take you shooting with his buddies! I was so mad because I wanted to go and I had been asking to go for years and there you went with that sad, scared look on your face!”

“Oh my god,” I said with wide eyes. “I felt so bad because Dad really tried – he tried to show me – but I was too scared. I was way too young to be doing that!”

“That’s what I told mom!” June boomed. “I told her that I was old enough and you were too young, and she gave me that whole ‘Girls don’t shoot guns’ lecture the whole time you and Dad were gone! She gave me a headache that day!”

We laughed and laughed at that one. Without really noticing the time at all, we quite easily spent the next forty-five minutes recounting time after time that our mother had traumatized us in some fashion while our father simply did his best to survive the situation.

Whenever we reminisced like this, I always inevitably missed my dad so much. He was so understanding and supportive of me and always did whatever he could to shield me from and cover for me with my mother. I knew, even at a young age, that it was challenging for him, but he never once told me that it was. He never once tried to get me to compromise who I was for my mother. And while I was truly saddened that he never got to see me fully as April, I always felt that he knew who April was back then.

I felt like my father walked a thin line between his wife and the son that she wanted me to be, and between his wife and the daughter that he knew I was. As far back as I could remember, there never was an instance where he forced me to do something I did not want to do, no matter how much my mother insisted, and no matter how much he had to lie to her to protect me. There never was a time that he suggested I do anything or be anything other than who I was, and I just loved him so much for that.

And, despite my young age at the time, I did know that him supporting me against the will of his wife was a major challenge for him. My parents tried to make sure that we never heard them fighting, but I heard just about every time they did. I also knew, because of the proximity of their fighting to my mother and I clashing about something she wanted me to do, or who she wanted be to me, most of the times they fought was about me. I can’t say that I felt guilty over that, but I did genuinely feel bad for my father. We weren’t there when he died – mother ensured that we did not see him after the car accident that took his life so that we would not remember him that way, but each time I visited his grave when I came home, I thanked him for fighting for me.

My sisters and I walking back through our memories, which had resulted in more than a few sore muscles at this point from laughing, was interrupted by my grandmother calling to us up the stairs. Her calling up to us made me instantly realize that each person that walked through the house thus far to go to the backyard for the ceremony had probably heard the three of us laughing and carrying on as they passed the staircase, which landed not too far from the door to the backyard. I secretly hoped to myself that my mother had heard us – all three of the Baker girls – laughing and carrying on and simply enjoying our time together.

“Girls, Little Franny Baker is here!” my grandmother shouted up towards us.

All three of us lit up and looked at each other with big, happy eyes. Little Franny was the flower girl. She was my cousin Derek’s four-year-old daughter, my cousin Harry’s niece, my grandmother’s first and only great-grandchild. Nicky and I immediately jumped off the bed and took a couple steps towards the door. We then both realized that June was not coming, then quickly realized it was because she didn’t want anyone to see her before the ceremony. Nicky and I both stopped in our tracks and turned to look at June.

June saw the perplexed look both Nicky and I had, and then said, “Go,” as she waved her hand. “I’ll be fine.”

Nicky and I yelped slightly with excitement and hurried towards the bedroom door, towards the landing, and then carefully but hurriedly down the stairs in our heels. Nicky made it first to the bottom, because unlike me, she did not have to carefully scan the room as she was coming down the stairs to prepare herself for seeing who might be in the room at the time. Fortunately, it was just my grandmother, my cousin Derek, his wife Julie, and Little Franny.

As soon as Nicky reached the bottom of the stairs, Little Franny ran right towards her and embraced her tightly as Nicky bent down to receive the big hug from the little girl. If there was one girl in this family that stood a chance of being prettier than Nicky, it was Little Franny – blonde little curls, the cutest little face, and of course, those same beautiful crystal blue eyes that everyone in my family seemed to have except for me. Her mother had made her the cutest little poofy flower girl dress in the same beautiful shiny royal blue material as the bridesmaid dresses.

“Oh, I love you so much!” Nicky said as she squeezed the laughing little girl. It was then that Little Franny looked up and saw me reaching the bottom of the stairs.

“Auntie April!” she shouted up towards me as she let go of Nicky. Nicky let go and stood up as Little Franny wrapped her arms around my legs before I could bend down to meet her. I had to take a step back to keep from losing my balance in my heels as I looked down and saw that beautiful little face looking up at me with her amazing little smile.

Little Franny was a wonderful little girl. She was supersmart and a talker. She loved to read just like I did when I was little – yes, at four – and just like with my sisters, I saw in her that amazing little female childhood that I wished I had. The other thing that I admittedly really loved so very much about Little Franny was that she was the only one in the family who didn’t know. She had never met Alex. She knew me as her Auntie April and no one else. She treated me exactly how I wished everyone in the world treated me – as just me. She only saw in me her Auntie April that she loved so much and was so sad that she did not see me as much as her other aunties.

I looked to Derek and Julie and was met with their beautiful, genuine smiles and adoration for how much their little girl loved us. “She looks so pretty!” I said to both of them. “June is going to die when she sees her.” Little Franny giggled like she did whenever I talked about her. “Julie, this dress! You did such an amazing job.”

“Thank you, April,” Julie said through her smile. “It was nothing.”

I shook my head because I knew how much work Julie put into making that little dress. And while she made sewing look effortless, I knew just by looking at it, Julie had spent some serious time on it. “Making this dress was definitey not nothing,” I said to Julie.

Before Julie could respond, “Where is Auntie Juney?!” Little Franny called up to me.

I looked back down to see that beaming face, all inquisitive. “She is upstairs because Uncle Frank can’t see her before the wedding,” I said. “You want to come up and see her?”

Little Franny nodded yes as I looked back to Derek and Julie who were nodding their okay for me to take their daughter up the stairs. “Okay, c’mon, then,” I said. I bent down and pulled Little Franny up and into my arms. Nicky gave Derek and Julie a little wave and then the three of us, in our royal blue dresses, made our way up the stairs.

Every time I carried Little Franny, I thought about what it must be like to be a mother to such an amazing little girl like this, and how no matter what I ended up doing with my life, and no matter who I ended up with, I was never going to fully experience what it was like to create a little person like this inside of me. It was not something that I thought of often, outside of when I saw Little Franny or talked to her on the phone, but every once in a while, back home, I would see a mom with her kids and it would hit my heart a bit. I’d brush it away, put it out of my mind, and go about my day, and pretty quickly, the feeling would fade.

I also thought about how much longer I was going to be able to carry Little Franny around like this, especially up and down stairs. It seemed like only yesterday that she was born and I flew in to meet her at the hospital for the first time, a trip that was carefully scheduled by my cousin Derek so that I was in and out of the hospital without running into my mother and certain other family members that I always sought to avoid.

I made it to the top of the stairs with a bit of a huff as I adjusted Little Franny on my hip a bit, took a second, then proceeded back into the guest bedroom where I found June sitting there on the edge of the bed in her poofy white wedding dress, anxiously awaiting our arrival. The second Little Franny saw June, she reached out her arms for her and called for her, “Auntie Juney! So pretty!” Not wanting to put Little Franny and her little shoes on that beautiful white dress, I stood her up on the bed next to June, holding on to her as she gave her Auntie Juney a big hug at a little bit of a distance.

June buried her face a little bit into Little Franny’s neck, making her laugh as she said, “There’s my Fran Fran.” The two shared a laugh and held each other. I then sat down on the bed a little over from June so I could continue to hold Little Franny and make sure she didn’t start climbing on June’s wedding dress. Nicky walked passed me and then sat on the other side of me. The full bridal party was now complete.

We all sat there for just a few minutes, watching Little Franny just being her cute little self, looking at each of us while smiling, talking about her new puppy they had to leave at home with her Grandma Francine – that was Julie’s mother – and bouncing up and down on the bed a bit, all while telling each of us how pretty we were over and over again.

Finally, after us just being occupied with watching Little Franny for a bit, Nicky  asked, “So, June, is Frank still saying he wants to wait for a few years to have kids?”

June turned over her shoulder and looked first at me and then beyond me to Nicky. “Why do you ask that?” she asked with what seemed to be a deep curiosity.

“Just curious, I guess,” Nicky said. “Seeing you with Little Franny made me wonder if you guys were still going to wait or if you had changed your minds.”

June nodded but did not answer. She returned her attention to Little Franny who was about to start jumping up and down again and then picked her up a little bit, moving her over towards me. I took that as the cue that it was once again my turn to hold and watch her. I reached out my arms and took the smiling little girl back into my care, standing her up on the bed beside me and kissing her forehead.

June stood up and walked towards the window, still not saying a word. I was beginning to wonder if she was annoyed at Nicky’s question, almost as if she was not answering because she was upset. June stood by the window, which looked out onto the backyard, looking down at what I could only assume was the arriving wedding guests, caterers, and so on. Still without a word, June then walked over to the bedroom door and closed it, turning back towards us. I looked at June curiously. We were the only ones upstairs and if someone had come up those stairs, for sure we would have heard them long before they would have been close enough to hear her answer if she spoke in a normal tone.

June looked at me and then at Nicky as her face turned from a bit of a concerned look to a bit of a smile. She then breathed out heavily and lifted her arms up a bit and let them fall back down during the heavy breath, as if to gesture that she had just decided to tell us something. June then lifted her right hand up a bit and pointed at her belly three times with her index finger.

“No way,” I said, almost laughing and shaking my head, diverting my attention away from Little Franny while still holding her and watching her with one eye.

“Yeah...” June beamed. “Doctor called to confirm yesterday morning.”

“Oh my god!” Nicky was so excited. “What did Frank say?!”

June put her finger up to mouth and shoosed Nicky. “Why do you think I closed the door?”

“No way,” I said again.

“I want to tell him in a nice way,” June said. “I figure I’ll wait until after the wedding and the honeymoon. Tell him when we get back.”

“Oh my god!” Nicky said again. “What about the booze? No way he is not going to notice you not drinking tonight or on your trip. On the airplane! You always have to drink to fly!”

“I know,” June breathed out, contorting her face a little into a squint. “I guess if he presses me about it, I’ll have to tell him.”

As we had been talking, Little Franny started to get a bit more fidgety and seemed to be trying to get off the bed. Finally, unable to restrain her, I picked her up and placed her on the floor. She immediately broke free from my hands that were still holding gently on to her shoulders and ran towards June who braced herself for one of Little Franny’s strong little hugs, but before she reached June, Little Franny stopped right in her tracks and simply lifted up her hand and placed it on June’s stomach where she had pointed. She looked up at June and smiled then shouted as she jumped up, her hand still on June’s belly, “Baby!”

Nicky and I began to laugh uncontrollably. June looked down at the little girl with such a surprised expression and asked, “What makes you think there is a baby in there?”

Little Franny was so proud of her answer. “Mama says when a lady points at her belly, that means there is a baby hiding in there!”

Nicky and I continued to laugh as June looked at us, shaking her head.

“Looks like you better tell him quick!” I laughed.

“Little Franny is going to spill the beans,” Nicky followed, also still laughing.

“Hey, don’t laugh, Nicky,” June said. “You could be too already and not know it!”

“Oh, ha ha,” Nicky retorted. “I am extremely careful!” Nicky then pushed on my shoulder and said, “I always figured this one was going to be pregnant first! Looks like I was wrong!”

I looked over my shoulder at Nicky. It was one of those things she did that always made me feel good. It wasn’t sympathetic – and by that I mean it wasn’t pity – it was just her way of including me whenever my sisters talked about babies and pregnancy. While there was no biological way for me to get pregnant and carry a baby, instead of saying I would get someone pregnant, both June and Nicky would always refer to it as me getting pregnant. It was one of those little things that Nicky started, and June followed suit, that always just made me feel so special and so loved. It wasn’t something they needed to do, but was something that they wanted to do to include me as their sister.

I pushed back on Nicky’s shoulder, saying, “Oh, hell no. I am way too young for that.”

“Oh, believe me, missy,” June said to me, “you are more than old enough!”

The three of us laughed, tearing up a bit and Little Franny laughed with us, of course not sure what we were laughing at exactly, but just laughing along to laugh. I stood up and walked towards June, and Nicky immediately took the cue of what I was doing and stood up behind me. I was careful of where Little Franny was standing and ended up on June’s left side, embracing her and saying, “Congratulations! This is so exciting! A new baby in the family!”

Nicky was also careful of where Little Franny was standing and approached June from the opposite side. “Congrats, sis,” Nicky said, also embracing her. Little Franny then followed and embraced June’s legs through the big, poofy wedding dress. We all continued to embrace each other, sharing in June’s joy. I was the first to break the hug, reaching down and picking up Little Franny and returning to my spot on the bed with Nicky closely behind. June then returned to her seat on the bed as well.

Nicky turned to me and gave me that smartass little smile she gave me when she was about to ask me something that she knew I did not want to answer. “I didn’t want to bring it up on the hike, and since we are talking about you getting pregnant, I thought for sure you were dating someone and was going to bring them. Didn’t you say you were seeing someone?”

Before I could answer, June had turned her attention to me as well. “Yeah! I remember you saying that you were dating someone and it was going pretty well. So, where is your plus one? Too scared to bring them home to meet your mother?”

I gave Nicky the look I gave her in return when she gave me that smartass question face, grunted a bit, then turned to look at June. “Oh haha! Very funny,” I said as I thought on just how much I wanted to say and how deeply I wanted to get into the subject at the moment, which wasn’t very deep at all.

“Yeah,” I said, “I was seeing someone and I thought it was starting to get serious, but apparently, I was way more into it. You know how you can be way more into the person than they are into you? Like you’re both not in the same spot relationship-wise? I don’t know. It just wasn’t meant to be I guess.”

As I was looking at June, I felt Nicky slide over and hug me from behind. “Awwww, I’m sorry, sis. That is a bummer,” Nicky said.

I reached up and placed my hand on Nicky’s arm as it was wrapped around me and looked back towards her, kissing her on the cheek. “Thank you. I’m OK. Really. Just happy to be here with two of you.”

“And Mother...” June said with a smirk and a sarcastic tone. “Don’t forget about Mother.”

I looked back towards June and rolled my eyes. “Oh my lord, yes, what would I possibly do without Mother here to tell me how to live?”

We all laughed a bit again and then could hear someone coming up the stairs. We all looked at each other, smiling and smirking, thinking how funny it would be if it was our mother coming to check on us. Sure enough, and she had to have heard us laughing as soon as we heard her voice. “Girls?...Alex?...Why is this door closed? Is everything all right?”

I looked to June as if asking for help. June called out to Mother through the door. “Yes, everything is all right. I just closed the door because I was adjusting some things.”

“Oh...OK, Juney,” my mother said through the door. I laughed to myself a bit because of course it was OK that June closed the door. “Well, some of the guests are arriving,” my mother continued, “and I could really use some help greeting everyone down here. Nicky? Alex?”

Nicky and I looked at each other like two people deciding which one was going to take the blame and get the whooping. Before I could utter a sound, Nicky called to mother, “OK, Mother. I’ll be right down!”

“Awwww,” Mother said. “Thank you, honey. Please come down soon.”

We all exchanged glances and tried not to laugh as we heard our mother’s footsteps going back down the stairs. I wasn’t entirely sure why, but I just felt that I needed to go down and be the one to help greet the guests. I think I felt it was almost as if I had to let everyone get a good look at me and come to the understanding of the fact that April was going to be at the wedding and not Alex. Almost as if I felt I had to let everyone warm up to that fact before the acutal wedding ceremony so they focused on June instead of me. The last thing I wanted was for June to start walking down the aisle and see everyone still staring and whispering about me.

I wasn’t about to go downstairs and start talking with everyone, especially to the members of my family and our community that did not like me much, but just by them seeing me in the room and around the house, it would let them know that April was here and it would give them some time to adjust to that fact before the ceremony started. There would be some dirty looks and most likely some nasty, whispered comments, but it was something I knew I was going to have to endure when I agreed to be a bridesmaid in my sister’s wedding. It always made me feel so bad that I had to do things like that – announce my presence beforehand in such a way at family events – but it definitely did help things in the long run.

I patted Nicky’s knee and said, “I’ll go. I feel like stretching my legs a bit.”

“Are you sure? It is totally OK. You can stay here with June and Little Franny and I will go down.”

“No,” I insisted, “that is perfectly all right. I will go down and you stay here in case June needs anything.” I then stood up from the bed, scooping up Little Franny. “And I will take this little monster back down to her mommy and daddy so you both can finish getting all ready.” As I said “little monster”, I rubbed my nose against Little Franny’s nose and she laughed. I honestly did not want her to be in the way while Nicky and June were making final preparations before going downstairs, but also, I just felt emerging at the bottom of those stairs would have been a lot more comfortable with Little Franny in my arms.

Nicky looked up and blew me a kiss. “Good luck with Mother,” she said, smirking.

“Lord help me,” I smirked back, looking over my shoulder as I walked towards the door.

“Thank you, sis,” June said towards me. “I love you.”

I looked over the other shoulder towards June and said, “Love you, too,” as I opened the bedroom door. I then proceeded towards the stairs and carefully made my way down one step at a time, looking down and to the side a bit as I held Little Franny tightly on my hip. I was too busy concentrating on the stairs and holding on tight to Little Franny that I ended up not taking particular notice of who was in eyesight of me downstairs as I had originally planned on doing.

When I finally reached the bottom of the stairs and felt secure on my feet, it was then that I looked into the kitchen and saw my grandmother, back turned to me, still working away. I then turned away from the front door and living room, looking towards the back door, figuring the first thing I would do would be to drop Little Franny in the backyard with her parents so they could keep an eye on her while I made my rounds around the house and grounds until the ceremony started.

I had taken two steps from the stairs towards the back door when I heard a deep but still younger male voice call out, “Well, if it isn’t Little Franny and a little tranny.”

Oh my god! The words hit my ears and my stomach jumped. It was one of those initial knee-jerk reactions to something that was said to you that only took a split second in reality yet seemed to take up minutes in your mind. I felt my hands tighten, my chest tighten, my lips clench, my eyes widen. My frame was solid and my core was tight. In a split second, I was ready to fight. I quickly turned in the direction of the voice, which sounded like it was just inside the front door. And then, instant relief. It was Benny. My old friend from school, Benny Harper.

Benny and I met in first grade and were friends ever since, all through elementary and junior and senior high school. He was an amazing friend to me while I was bullied and teased growing up. He always had my back and he was always there for me, defending me, and acting as a buffer between me and the kids at school that had it out for me. He was that one ray of sunshine that made it so I could stomach going to school every day. He was a scrawny little kid with black, wavy hair, and was the type of kid that was way too street smart for his age, though Benny wasn’t scrawny, or little any more. He was actually a very handsome man, built and buff with pretty blue eyes. And there he was, in the front doorway of the big old country house, looking absolutely amazing in a beautiful, stylish gray suit.

I felt my surprised and angry face quickly turn into a beaming smile. “Benny!” I shouted. “You are horrible!”

Benny laughed loudly, his laughter filling the entire downstairs of the house. “Sorry, I simply could not help myself!”

I was about to speak again when I heard my grandmother call from the kitchen. “Benny Harper! Is that Benny Harper I hear?”

I turned away from Benny, adjusted Little Franny on my hip again, and looked towards the kitchen just as my grandmother emerged into the living room, coming into sight of Benny.

“Hi, Mrs. Baker. So lovely to see you again.”

“Awwwww, Benny, you were always such a sweet boy,” my grandmother said, looking towards Benny and waving a bit. “So glad you could make it.”

“So happy to be here, Mrs. Baker.“

My grandmother then made her way over to me, reaching for Little Franny. “I will take this little angel so you can go say hello to your friend,” my grandmother said, giving me that same look she gave me whenever Benny was around after I had started living as April. I looked at my grandmother and smiled, shaking my head as she took Little Franny out of my arms. She tried not to laugh and I tried not to laugh. Apparently, she was still trying to set me up with Benny Harper and had invited him to June’s wedding without telling me.

My grandmother quickly turned and walked back into the kitchen as soon as she had secured Little Franny in her arms. I watched her walk away for a few seconds, still grinning, still shaking my head. But then, I noticed that Benny was walking towards me and I, in turn, began walking towards him. Ever since he saw April for the first time, when we saw each other, our greeting consisted of him outstretching his hands, me reaching out and grabbing them and him then holding my hands out wide, which brought me in closer, and then, he would say something, usually along the lines of, “Let me look at you, girl. Absolutely gorgeous!” Sometimes it was stunning, sometimes it was beautiful, sometimes it was ravishing, but each and every time, I honestly really appreciated the compliment from someone who knew me when I was an awkward, sad, and always upset little boy.

This time, with our hands clasped together and with raised arms, Benny went with “Let me look at you, girl. Absolutely breathtaking.”

Oh my. A new one. I shook my head and told him to “Stop it!”, which is what I usually said back. And then, this time, I followed with, “You know you’re not supposed to call us that!”

Benny laughed. “What? Tranny? I know, I know, but I couldn’t help it! When I saw you not notice me and turn your back, I just had to see that angry little face you make. I think it is just so cute!”

“You better never let my girlfriends back home hear you say that word, mister!” I laughed.

“All right, all right,” Benny said. “I promise that will be the last time I use it.” Benny smiled for a couple seconds more, then asked, “You come alone? No date after all?”

I shook my head no, but also gave Benny a bit of a concerned look because I did not want my grandmother to know that I actually almost brought someone with me. My Grandma was always so interested to learn from me about my dating life, but as much as I loved her, I never really felt comfortable talking with her about it because I know she always saw me having a very traditional romance with a very traditional southern boy, much like she hoped for me with Benny, but I really just was not into it at all. June and Nicky were definitely falling into place in Grandma’s eyes relationship-wise, but her April was just holding out for some reason.

“No,” I said softly to Benny. “Let’s go out back and I’ll tell you,” I said, almost whispering.

I usually talked pretty frequently over the phone with Benny about my love life and he was amazing at listening and offering advice. I did talk about it with my sisters as well, but I never really got into the details with them. Naturally, I never spoke of such things to my mother or my grandmother. As someone who knew me really well – since my very earliest days when I was all awkward about young love and crushes – I always liked to get Benny’s perspective on my romantic decisions.

Benny didn’t respond with words, but simply let go of my hands and offered me his bent right arm. I took it and we started walking towards the back door. As we made our way there, I could hear the front door opening and more guest arriving as the ceremony’s start time was growing ever closer. My grandmother watched me and Benny walk passed the kitchen with a big ol’ smile on her face as we disappeared out the back door and into the backyard.

The old country house’s sprawling, grassy backyard’s transformation from when I had passed through it just a few hours earlier, coming back from our hike up into the hills behind the property, was nothing short of amazing. The entire length of the back porch had royal blue paper steamers and white little lights running the full length of the railing and the edge of the roof, as did the railings on the sides of the stairs that led down into the backyard. I took particular note of the porch and steps because once the ceremony started, we were all going to emerge from the back door, out on to the porch, and then down the steps, slightly to our right, and then down the center aisle between the guest chairs, on up to the makeshift alter that was beneath the huge, two-hundred-year-old oak tree that was about forty feet from the back edge of the house. It was so funny to think that the tree was there before the house. My grandfather had put the house near that particular old tree, as opposed to planting a tree near the house.

Starting at about five feet or so from the edge of the bottom of the stairs, there were all the white chairs that mother was wanting poor Alex to help set up instead of getting all dolled up in a bridesmaid dress. There were 120 chairs for 120 guests, sixty on each side. The center aisle was a pretty standard width for a wedding and the alter was a very traditional floral archway with lots of white and beautiful royal blue roses, standing about eight feet tall.

           To the left of the guest chairs and alter was the dinner setup for the reception that was set to follow right after the ceremony. June had initially wanted to have a big tent, but Grandma reassured her that being out in the open in the June evening air was going to provide a much more magical setting and beautiful view of the sun setting beyond the sprawling grassy hills and trees in the distance. The afternoon was already looking like it was not going to disappoint.

The reception set up had fifteen white tables with white table cloths and beautiful white and blue floral centerpieces as well as a long table at the front for the wedding party. I was a little nervous about being up there, facing everyone, but I figured if I could get through the ceremony without being overwhelmed, I definitely could handle being up at that long table, facing all the wedding guests. I chuckled to myself a bit as I thought, at least mother would be beside me and not across from me so I wouldn’t have to watch her snicker at me through the whole reception.

There were about fifty or so people out in the backyard already, most of them with a drink in hand, and some with a little appetizer plate, thanks to Grandma’s insistence on those arrival refreshments in the living room. As I emerged into the backyard with Benny at my side, I pretty much recognized everyone except for a few people that must have been from Frank’s side. Of course, those people that did not really know me spent a couple extra seconds looking me over as I am sure they quickly figured out that I was that sister. I was sure to give those folks an extra special little head lean and longer smile.

I was surprised that my mother was not in the backyard since she had asked about one of us coming down to help greet the guests. I figured she’d be out there, looking at me funny through her sideways little glance and scowl the whole time, and of course, telling me that I needed to talk to more people than just Benny Harper once she saw me spending time with him like this. She must have either gone back upstairs or was in the front yard, greeting guests as they arrived.

“It looks absolutely amazing out here,” Benny said, breaking me away from thinking on my mother as we started to walk across the back porch and towards the steps, taking the same route I was going to take in just about thirty minutes, hand-in-hand with Little Franny during the ceremony.

“Wow,” I said, smiling and continuing to look across the sprawling grassy field and up at that tree that was in so many of my childhood memories, “it really does look fantastic. So simple and plain, yet so elegant. June is going to love it. This house really makes for the best weddings.”

Benny laughed a bit and followed with, “It does indeed. How many weddings have you and I been to in this yard since we were kids?”

“Oh my god,” I laughed, “we don’t have enough time to count that high. Everyone has gotten married here. Even people that weren’t family.” I then tapped my hand on Benny’s arm a couple times as I held it and said, “Thanks for coming with me to all those weddings back when we were buddies, and thanks for coming and keeping my grandmother company at the ones I never came to.”

Benny nodded and put his other hand on mine. “You are totally welcome,” he smiled as we slowly kept walking, now heading down the aisle between the guest chairs. “I missed you at all those events, but I completely understand why you didn’t come home for them. It must have been so hard not to be able to just show up as yourself without having to deal with all that crap.”

I sighed, thinking back on all that I missed because I just did not want to deal with my mother and some of the other members of my family I was worried about not being okay with me being April. “Maybe it was for the best, but at the same time, I am happy that I’m here today as me. I have been giving it a lot of thought today and I think that even though I will have to deal with some of that crap, I am going to start coming home more often. Grandma is still very strong, but you never know. I need to get back here to see her more than I have been. It will be worth it in the end, even though I will have to deal with my precious Mother.”

Benny and I shared a little laugh, I am sure both of us remembering all the trying times I had with my mother that he was around for when I was growing up.

“You know,” Benny said, smiling over at me as we finally reached the alter and stopped, turning a bit to look around, “I think your Grandma really has been planning for years for me and you to end up at an alter here in this backyard.”

I smacked his arm a little, though I knew what he was saying was completely true. I breathed out a sigh because I knew exactly why Benny was saying that – he knew my grandmother’s vision of me marrying the perfect southern gentleman in her big backyard was just not in the cards for me. “I know, I know,” I said, “I just can’t bring myself to tell her. I know that she has always been so supportive, but she has this notion of me being a very traditional southern girl, which I love – and I mean, thank god compared to what I go through with my mother insisting I am a southern gentleman – but Grandma’s notion of me marrying some local southern gentleman is pretty ironic if you think about it. She just wants to see me with a traditional southern boy from town.”

Benny nodded. “I have told her many times that we’re just friends and that you are not interested in southern boys, but she just always seems to hold out hope for us taking the plunge together someday. And if it is not me, then some other country boy.”

I nodded as well because I knew that same truth about my grandmother’s hopes for me. At that point, I looked around a bit just to ensure there was no one within earshot so I could actually answer Benny’s question about me not bringing a date to the wedding, which was perfectly reasonable since the last time I spoke with him, I did tell him pretty extensively about the lengthy relationship I was in at the time.

“So,” I began, “to answer your question, I actually did almost bring a date with me this time, but it just didn’t work out.”

Benny pulled my arm a little closer and briefly gave me a little side hug. “Sorry to hear that,” he said. “Was it that longer-term relationship you told me about last time we talked?”

I nodded. “Yeah, it was going really, really well, but then the day before we were supposed to leave, something happened, and here I am, once again, with no plus one.”

Benny nodded. “Maybe we are just meant to be single,” he said.

I nodded, thinking on that pretty strongly. “Maybe. I think my only regret about it all, I mean, of course, outside of ending up alone, is that Grandma will never see me get married here at the house, and that just kills me, but at the same time, I have to wait for that right person, you know?”

“Oh, I completely agree with that,” Benny said.

As I thought a bit on what to say next – whether or not to go into further details about my relationship we were talking about – I saw Nicky and my mother emerge from the back door and on to the porch. I could tell immediately that they were both looking for me, and as soon as she saw me, Nicky pointed me out to Mother.

“What time is it?” I asked Benny.

“You’re getting close to about thirty minutes until curtain,” Benny said. “I am sure they are wanting you to start getting ready for the ceremony.”

Benny and I watched as Nicky carefully hurried down the back steps in her heels, looking right at us, and obviously on her way to get me. Fortunately, while my mother followed behind Nicky down the stairs, she did not follow Nicky over towards us, but instead, made her way over to a little group of folks that had gathered on the opposite side of the guest chairs, under the tree, undoubtedly seeing someone that she had yet to greet.

As Nicky hurried towards us, Benny asked, “How has your mother been with you today?”

I sighed and gave a little bit of a moan. “Classic Mother,” I said.

Benny chuckled a bit as Nicky was finally close enough to us to say, “It’s time, sis.”

I nodded at Nicky and leaned in towards Benny and kissed his cheek. “Thanks again for always being there for me,” I said. “See you after the ceremony?” I then asked.

“Of course,” Benny said. “Break a leg.”

I chuckled a bit and let go of Benny as Nicky had finally reached us and was extending out her hand for me. I took a step towards Nicky and outstretched my hand to take hers. And then, just as our hands met, there was a sudden gust of wind and I could not only see Nicky’s dress’s hemline flutter upwards in the wind, but could feel my dress around me doing the same.

I did my best to quickly reach down to hold the hemline of my dress against my body before it could flutter up any further as I yelped a bit, both Nicky and I looking at each other with wide eyes as she did the same. Nicky’s yelp was more of a scream, though. I really hoped that we had caught our dresses in time before they had flown up enough so that any of the guests that already arrived might not have seen up our dresses, but when I saw my mother charging over towards us out of the corner of my eye, that was a definite clue that at least she had seen more under our dresses than was socially acceptable to her.

I looked away from Nicky for a second just to confirm that my mother was on her way over to us, and once I had, I looked back to Nicky, and in my usual tone when my mother was about to come and confront me about something she did not like, said, “Shit! Here comes Mother...”

Nicky and I both stood there, frozen, holding our hemlines down even though the wind was no longer blowing. Both our dresses had flown up, and it was neither of our faults, but I could rest assured that I was going to get a talking to about it and Nicky was going to get a pass because it happening to her was an accident while it happening to me was undoubtedly completely my fault somehow.

My mother reached us quickly, and as I anticipated, she completely ignored Nicky and set her fiery gaze upon me. She got close enough to me that it seemed odd and I looked at her funny as she put her face right in mine and asked in a shouting whisper so I could tell she was mad, but so that no one else, except for Nicky, and poor Benny who was still standing right behind me, could really hear, “Are you wearing my panties?!”

“What?!” I exclaimed in a normal, loud shout. “What are you talking about?!”

Out of the corner of my eye I saw Nicky put her head down and cover her face as much as she could with one hand as she was still instinctively holding the hemline of her little dress with the other hand. I could tell she was half mortified and half trying not to laugh.

Mother insisted on getting an answer. “I...said...are you wearing my panties?! How did you get those?!”

I looked over to Nicky who was now looking up at me over the hand that was covering her face below her eyes as she looked at me with surprise and remorse as she shook her head. I could see Benny just standing there, trying hard not to smile, and before I could answer Mother, Nicky stepped closer to her and lowered her hand from her face while leaning in towards her. “Mother,” she said, quietly, “I gave her your panties.”

Mother and I simultaneous shouted at Nicky, me saying, “You gave me her panties?!” and my mother saying, “You gave him my panties?!”

Nicky was mortified, yet was still trying not to laugh. “April forgot her panties and you gave me two pairs for June, so I gave the other pair to April.”

“Oh, that is just disgusting,” my mother said, looking away from Nicky and giving me that face.

“Oh, so June can wear your panties, but when I do it’s disgusting, huh?” I demanded.

“Yes, dammit!” my mother had stopped trying to be quiet at this point. “You wearing panties is already disgusting, but if they are your mother’s, that is even worse. June is a girl, and you are not!”

I shook my head, not wanting to get into that debate with her again at this particular moment. I really felt like my mother would only ever see me as Alex in a dress and never as April. I searched my mind for something I could say to end this little episode that would deliver a little sting back at her. “Well,” I said, smirking, “this is definitely not the first time I’ve worn your panties, Mother.”

My mother’s eyes widened and she gave that same little half-grunt, half-yell she emitted earlier when my grandmother had told her that she was going to be done with her, and then, my mother stormed off just as quickly as she had stormed over.

From behind me, I heard Benny laughing at what I had said, probably because he actually knew what I said to my mother about wearing her panties before to be true because I had told him that at one point. Nicky covered her mouth again and looked at me with wide eyes as she could do nothing else but laugh at the situation. “Oh my god, April,” she said, “I am so sorry! I thought she’d never find out I gave you those to wear!”

I took a step closer to Nicky and smacked her on the shoulder, pushing her back a little. At that point, I broke into uncontrollable laughter. “Jesus, Nicky,” I said, shaking my head, “you should have told me they were Mother’s!”

“Oh yeah, sure,” Nicky retorted, “then you would have refused to wear them and everyone who just saw you wearing mom’s panties would have seen a heck-of-a-lot more than that instead!”

Again, Benny laughed from behind me and I once again smacked Nicky on the shoulder, then said to her with wide eyes, “You’re horrible!”

“You’re the one that would have gone commando if I had told you the only pair of panties I had were Mother's!”

I turned over my should to look at Benny, doing my best to give him an unhappy look, but by the time I was half-way through saying, “Don’t you laugh, Benny Harper!” I myself had burst into laughter. I finished by giving Benny a smile as I shook my head and then turned back to Nicky.

“Oh my god, Nicky,” I said, still laughing. “I cannot believe I am wearing Mother’s panties right now. Seriously, thank you so much for that. I am never going to hear the end of this one.”

I looked around the backyard for my mother, having not seen exactly where she had stormed off to, but there she was, back in her little conversation circle over on the other side of the guest chairs, probably pretending like none of that had just happened, continuing her conversation as if she had not just stormed over and yelled at me like that.

“I’m sorry,” Nicky said, herself still laughing. “You didn’t have many options.”

With that, Nicky once again reached out her hand and I took it. “C’mon,” she said, “we gotta help June get ready to come be the center of attention instead of you for once.”

I chuckled a bit as Nicky started to pull me behind her towards the house. I looked back over my shoulder at Benny one more time, giving him a little smile, which he returned with a smile and a little wave.

As Nicky pulled me passed where mother was standing, her back facing us, I watched for her to turn around, but she simply ignored us. I definitely felt relieved once we had passed her and were heading up the back stairs and on to the back porch.

Nicky continued to pull me behind her by the hand as she made her way through the back door and then up the stairs. When we were about halfway up, June peered down at us from out the guest bedroom door and asked, “April, what were you yelling about?”

Nicky instantly burst into hysterical laughter again as we reached the top of the stairs and she moved passed June and into the room, still pulling me right behind her. I just looked at June and smiled as I, too, passed her, and then stood next to Nicky as we both turned to face her.

“Our dresses flew up in the wind,” Nicky said, all cutesy, “and Mother saw that April is wearing her panties today.”

June’s eyes got wide and she looked right at me. “No!” she shouted, laughing. “No, you are not! Why in the hell–”

I cut June off and said, “I forgot my panties, so I called Nicky and she said she had a pair I could use, but she never told me they were Mother’s. Not my fault at all. Totally on Nicky.”

June looked to Nicky with a little smirk. “You are so bad. You gave her the other pair of Mother’s something old, borrowed, and blue panties she gave me?”

Nicky just looked at June with a devilish little grin and nodded, holding her hand over her mouth, acting like she was just too embarrassed to actually say yes.

­­           “Nicky!” June shouted, “You are so horrible!”

“That’s what I said!” I shouted, looking over at Nicky, continuing to laugh. I then moved over to the edge of the bed and sat down with a bit of a huff, breathing out. Nicky followed suit and sat down next to me while June moved closer to us, still standing there in that beautiful, big, poofy, white wedding dress.

“Well,” June said, her laughter subsiding, “since the two of you are trying to ruin my wedding with your little panty stunt–”

“What?!” I shouted back, still laughing. “Not me at all! All Nicky!”

“You are the one who forgot to bring a pair of panties to wear to your sister’s wedding,” Nicky said, looking over at me. “Unless....you did it on purpose.”

I smacked Nicky’s arm and shook my head at her.

“Like I said,” June said in her stern Mother-like voice that she used with Nicky and me when she was interjecting herself into any of our little exchanges like this, “since the two of you pulled that little stunt, I am going to go ahead and ask. I spared you earlier by letting you give us that dodgy answer, missy,” June said, looking right at me, “but now you have to tell me why you showed up, once again, without a special friend.”

I breathed out a sigh and fluttered my arms a bit like a child who had just been caught doing something bad. “I almost got through this without having to tell you,” I said.

“Tell me what?” June smiled, “That you are finally just going to let Grandma set you up with Benny Harper?! I saw you two standing at the alter through the window! Grandma must have been beaming watching you two up there through the kitchen window.”

I shook my head and gave my sister the evil eye. “No,” I said back to her. “We were all set to come together and two days ago, I get a weird, cryptic phone call. No real explanation, no real reason, just that I should come to the wedding by myself. So, that is what I did. And I don’t really feel like talking about it.” I even folded my arms across my chest for good measure and emphasis.

Just as June was about to retort, the speakers in the backyard kicked on and the music June had chosen to play twenty minutes before the ceremony was to start began to echo in the backyard. June instinctively moved over towards the bedroom window to look down. Nicky and I both jumped up from the bed and moved over to the window as well, looking down on either side of June as she stood there.

“Oh my god,” June said. “It’s time.”

Having noticed that some of the guests were already seated and others were starting to move to the chairs, I said, “Looks like almost everyone is here.”

June nodded. “I’m getting a little nervous.”

“Nonsense,” I said, putting my hand on her shoulder. “Nothing to be nervous about. Right guy, right dress, right time. It is all going to be perfect.”

June placed her hand up on mine as it sat on her shoulder. She looked over at me and said, “Thank you for saying that. I know Frank can be a little old school, but he will come around.”

I nodded and then leaned my head over towards June. “Thank you,” I said. “Nothing would make me happier.”

Then, almost as if wanting to change the subject, June said, “Should we line up downstairs?”

“Sure,” I said as the three of us turned away from the window. Nicky moved over to the dresser and took up the bouquets of roses that we were carrying for the ceremony – Nicky’s and mine in white and blue, and June’s the same, just in all white. Nicky handed me mine and handed June hers, smiling.

“I can’t believe the first of us is getting married,” Nicky said. I then instinctively turned to Nicky and pointed at her and she did the same as we both said, laughing, “You’re next!” It was just a little thing we had started doing whenever June talked about her wedding since her engagement.

The three of us shared a little laugh and then we walked out into the hallway. Right on cue, there was Mother at the bottom of the stairs to shout up to us, “Are you all ready up there?”

I waited for some comment about me, but it never came. Just the question about us being ready.

“We’re ready,” Nicky called down.

“OK,” Mother hollered back. “Just a couple minutes while everyone finishes getting into their seats.”

For the next few minutes, we just stood there, June in the middle, me on the right, and Nicky on the left, each of us holding our bouquet, waiting for Mother to call up to us to come down. I held June’s free right hand in my left and I thought on how amazing it felt to be standing there with my sisters on June’s wedding day, actually being able to be one of the bridesmaids as I had always dreamt. Nicky put her free hand on June’s shoulder and we just stood there in silence, I am sure all of us thinking on the momentous event which was about to occur at that big old country house.

Without really thinking on it too much, I blurted out what came into my mind just then and said, “I really miss dad and grandpa.”

At the same time, June calmly said, “I do, too,” and Nicky said, “Oh, me too.”

The three of us continued to stand there in silence once again until we heard Mother call up the stairs. “OK, you can come down now!”

With that, the three of us collectively broke from our silent thoughts, gave a little bit of an excited squeal, and started to move down the stairs together. I continued to hold June’s hand and Nicky used her free arm to help brace June by putting it around her waist. We took each step one at a time, pretty much in unison. Fortunately, once again, I was so concerned with navigating the stairs that I really did not take the opportunity to look up and see who was around while we were coming down the stairs.

I could hear my grandmother give a bit of a gasp when she saw the three of us coming down the stairs. She had already seen us all, but I think seeing us all coming down the stairs together probably made her feel pretty emotional. Mother was silent, though I was sure she was standing right there, watching us come down the stairs, too.

As we were close to the bottom, I heard Julie, Little Franny’s mom say, “Oh my God, Juney, you look so beautiful.”

June looked up from the stairs just for a few seconds to look over at Julie and say, “Thank you so much, Julie. Thanks for being here and lending us your little angel.”

At that, knowing that June was talking about her, I next heard Little Franny giggle and jump up and down a bit.

As we finally reached the last step, I let go of June, as did Nicky. Finally done with helping my sister navigate those stairs in her big, poofy dress, I looked up to see Grandma and Mother standing by the back door because they were going out into the backyard first. Grandmother was all smiles, and mother was giving me a little bit of an awkward look, most definitely still stewing a little bit about our little exchange about her panties.

Frank’s parents were standing behind my mother and grandmother, and Julie was behind Frank’s parents, waiting for me with Little Franny. No one else was around, so that meant that everyone else had vacated the house and was waiting for us out there in the backyard.

June moved over to say hello to her future in-laws and Nicky lined up behind me as I moved over to Julie, smiling at her. Julie reached towards me with Little Franny’s hand and said to Little Franny, “You go with your Auntie April, and you do everything she says, OK?”

I took the adorable little girl’s hand as she first looked at her mom and nodded yes, then looked over to me and smiled. “You are so cute,” I said to Little Franny, “and I just know you are going to do an amazing job. You walk with me. Remember, one step at a time, OK?”

Little Franny smiled and nodded yes, giggling a little bit. She then waved bye to Julie as she made her way passed Frank’s parents and June, and then Grandma and Mother, then out the back door to go and take her seat in the backyard.

June ended her conversation with her future in-laws at that point, then looked to my mother and grandmother, offering each of them a hand. They each took one of June’s hands for a few seconds, none of them saying a word, just exchanging smiles.

June then let go of my grandmother’s and mother’s hands and walked passed her future in-laws. She then blew Little Franny a kiss and put a hand on my elbow as she passed me and said, “I love you.” I returned with, “I love you, too.”

June did the same with Nicky as she passed her, and Nicky responded the same as well. Once June was standing behind her and ready, Nicky put a hand on my shoulder from behind and said, “I love you,” and I returned with, “I love you, too.”

At that point, my grandmother turned around towards me and Little Franny, excusing herself as she leaned towards us between Frank’s parents, who were, at that point, just staring at the back door with their backs to me, undoubtedly doing so because they, as usual, simply refused to acknowledge my presence. My mother also turned around, but all she did was continue to give me her little glaring stare as my grandmother said to both me and Little Franny, “You girls look absolutely gorgeous.” Grandma then leaned down even further towards Little Franny and asked, “Are you ready to walk in the ceremony like a big girl with your Auntie April?”

Little Franny once again nodded and giggled a little bit as my grandmother leaned even closer and kissed her on the forehead. My mother and grandmother then turned and faced the door. Within a few seconds, the wedding march music started to play. Grandma turned over her shoulder and asked, “Everyone ready?” to which we all responded that we were.

My grandmother then knocked on the back door three times, signaling that we were ready and the door swung open. There was trusty Benny Harper, smiling and holding that big wood back door open for us, undoubtedly recruited for the job by my grandmother.

My mother and grandmother were the first to emerge from the back door. They were all smiles, arm in arm, keeping up appearances despite their little clash about me just about an hour before.

Following my mother and grandmother once they had reached the bottom of the back stairs, Frank’s parents emerged from the back door. And then, once they reached the bottom of the stairs, it was my turn to emerge, walking hand-in-hand with Little Franny, as I gave Benny a little smile that he returned.

I found it so funny that I still felt so nervous, despite the fact that pretty much everyone who was there, sitting in the guest chairs that day, looking back at me and little Franny as we emerged from the back door and stepped out on to the porch, had already seen me and knew I was there that day as April, in my pretty little royal blue dress and all its trimmings. I knew a lot of my nervousness was self-inflicted, but it still did not help me feel any less nervous. Being trans, I was used to at least some people in any crowd not being okay with me, but it still never got any easier, especially when some of those people were supposed to be your family.

As Little Franny and I reached the top of the stairs, I held on to her hand a little tighter and guided her down step by step, she and I stepping together. Once we reached the bottom of the stairs and started to walk towards the center aisle between the guest chairs, I could see Nicky emerge through the back door out of the corner of my eye.

Little Franny being so cute and holding my hand, looking up frequently at me, smiling, and making sure she was stepping exactly with me as we had told her to do, really helped me to feel somewhat better. I was able to move back and forth from looking up at all the people in the guest chairs looking back at us to looking down to make sure I was watching Little Franny, so it really did help. I was able to make eye contact with the folks that I knew were OK with me and avoid it with the people that I was unsure of, or worse, knew had an issue with me.

Little Franny and I proceeded to turn the corner and then began to walk down the aisle. At this time, June emerged and everyone who was not already standing stood. When planning the ceremony, we had encouraged June to let us all get to the alter first and then walk by herself in a lone procession, but she was just too nervous, so she insisted that she walk behind Nicky. As June emerged from the doorway, there was a bit of an increase in noise among the crowd as they all sighed and gasped a little bit at seeing June in her big, beautiful, poofy wedding dress.

When my mother and grandmother reached the first row of guest chairs, they broke off to the right and sat in the first two chairs that had been reserved for them. When Frank’s parents reached the first row of guest chairs, they did the same, just on the left side of the aisle. As Little Franny and I reached the front row of chairs, I looked left over to Frank and Danny, and as I expected, Frank was looking down towards the ground and Danny was looking at me, smiling. I looked to the alter and there stood my mother’s pastor. I realized at that point that I had not seen him yet that day, and I was surprised when he looked right at me, smiled, and said, “April,” as he nodded. I definitely knew that was Grandma’s doing, but it felt wonderful nonetheless.

I led Little Franny to the right, to the spot where we had rehearsed that morning, and then turned and faced back down the aisle just as Nicky was about to reach the front row of guest chairs. Nicky was just finishing looking and smiling at Danny and then turned and smiled at me as she took the last few steps to join me to my left. She, too, turned and looked at June as she was now almost to the front row of guest chairs, looking right at Frank, smiling, as she joined him at his side right in front of the pastor and the alter.

Nicky and I turned to face the pastor and I helped Little Franny do the same. June then turned over her shoulder and handed Nicky her bouquet, then turned back towards Frank and they held hands.

The ceremony was short and sweet. Pretty standard vows as both June and Frank had decided they would be way too nervous to customize their vows or add anything personal to the ceremony. As I stood there, still holding on to Little Franny’s hand, I thought very much on my own wedding ceremony I hoped to have one day, laughing a little at myself that it would most likely be the opposite of June’s – a long, drawn out ceremony with a lot of poetry and over-customized vows with little ceremonial and sentimental events throughout. I wasn’t sure at the time how far into the future that would be, but as I stood there, I was sure it was years away.

When the ceremony ended, the bride and groom kissed and everyone clapped and cheered. Frank and June walked back up the aisle towards the house together and Nicky and Danny met each other at the center of the alter and walked back up the aisle together as well. I followed behind them with Little Franny, holding her hand and hurrying her along to keep up with the fast pace that the excited Frank and June were setting as they sped back up the aisle as everyone continued to clap and cheer. In that moment, for the first time, I really felt alone at that wedding. June was with her new husband, Nicky was with her amazing boyfriend, and there was newly-single-once-again April, bringing up the rear with Little Franny. In that moment, I felt much more like an old flower girl than a bridesmaid.

Once we were back over at the back porch stairs, beyond the guest chairs, June’s friend Nicole, who was acting as her photographer that day, took us over on to the side of the house to take pictures. Nicole took June, Frank, and his family first, starting to pose them and leaving the remaining Baker women in a little huddled mass, waiting for our turn. I stood as far away from Mother as I could, not wanting to even look at her since she was continuing to give me that little stare that told me she was still stewing at me about the panties, and most likely, my whole life in general.

When it was our turn for pictures, it was a little awkward still, posing all smiles with Mother as she continued to snicker quite a bit at me, looking at me funny out of the corner of her eye. When Nicole took the actual picture, Mother looked forward and smiled, but the entire rest of the time, she was glaring at me through that sideways glance of hers. Nicky could tell Mother was doing it, as could my grandmother, and they did their best to separate us and try to talk about other things like how well the ceremony went and how beautiful the afternoon was – the perfect weather for a June backyard wedding.

With the family pictures done, Nicole said that she was going to take the bride and groom for a few minutes to take some shots of just them. Frank and June disappeared with her, around the front of the house, and Frank’s parents and Danny, after lovingly kissing my sister Nicky, exchanging pleasantries with my mother and grandmother, and, of course, completely ignoring me like I wasn’t even there as they departed, returned to the backyard, where the caterers had started to serve more appetizers and drinks.

With it being just me, Nicky, Mother, and Grandma there on the side of the house, it wasn’t long at all before Mother started up again. While she could tell Nicky and Grandmother were trying to separate us, Mother nonchalantly moved around them and over towards me at one point when Nicky and Grandma were chatting. “You do understand that I am not just upset about the underwear,” my mother said to me, “but it is just another in a long line of weird and wrong decisions that you have made for some reason since the day you decided that you didn’t want to be a boy any more.”

Realizing that my mother had quietly sidestepped them, both Nicky and Grandma tried to step in and stop the situation before I could answer, but I quickly retorted with, “Yes, I do understand, Mother. I understand exactly what you are upset about. You are upset because despite the fact that I have been living as a girl for a decade now, you still don’t agree with it, so you use every possible opportunity to inflict your emotional strikes on me simply because I do not live the life that you dreamed up for me in your head.”

“You are the one who chose to not live as Alex anymore,” my mother said back. “Don’t put it on me that I, as your mother, am trying to get you to see the error of your ways. Don’t put it on me that I, as your mother, am trying to get you to fix these mistakes you have made and start living right before it is too late.”

I took a breath and let her words sink in for a second. It wasn’t the first time that she had said that to me. “Mother, you are the only person in this family – in my life – who thinks I am living wrong. You are the only person in my life who refuses to let me be April. I am standing in front of you in a dress, in heels, with my long hair, my makeup, a bridesmaid at my sister’s wedding, living as female full-time for a decade, and you are the only one that still insists on calling me Alex.”

“Alex is your name,” my mother said sternly. “That is the name that I gave you! You can’t simply all of the sudden choose a new name!”

I shook my head, almost looking on my mother with sympathy for being so set in her ways. “But, you see, Mother,” I said, in a much more calm tone, “the thing is that I actually can. I am an adult and I can choose to be called whatever I want. I can choose to live however I want. And sadly, I had to choose to live somewhere far away from here so that I could do those things, but, the reality is that I have done them. My drivers license says April. The deed to my house says April. The name on my business card is April. So much of the world is letting me be April – and letting me do it in peace – but not you. You are the only one that simply, after all of these years, for your own reasons, continues to refuse to support me no matter what I do. I was really hoping that today would be the day where you decided to be on my side – decided to support me – and not be on the side of the people who wish I did not exist – like Frank’s parents who just spent the past twenty minutes looking right through me like I was a pane of glass – but here we are. After everything that has happened today – all the joy and all the love – you still refuse to accept me for who I am. I am sorry, Mother, but that is on you. That is not on me. I am going to continue to live my life as April, and I will never again placate you by being Alex, like I pretended this morning in my black leggings, tennies, and big T-shirt, my pretty long hair tied behind my head so you wouldn’t have to look at it. You can continue to use the name Alex for me, but that person is long gone. You can either choose to live in the past with your long lost son, or you can choose to move forward and love your daughter April. That choice is yours. I am leaving it up to you now.”

My mother’s stern look had surprisingly faded a bit – much more than I had ever seen it fade in my life. I really think at this point, for the first time, she could tell that I was preparing myself to end my relationship with her instead of continuing to try to win her over. Then, almost as an indication that she could say nothing to poke holes in what I was saying, my mother retorted with a comment out of the blue, from somewhere in the recesses of her mind. “You only picked the name April because it comes before June!” my mother yelled.

I laughed because I had been waiting for years for her to say that and retorted with what I had always planned to say when she did, which was, “Oh, yes, Mother, and heaven forbid that something in your world ever came before your precious June!”

And then, despite the fact that I almost thought I had made a little headway with my mother through my heartfelt words I had said, she then said, “And you only wanted to wear a dress today to detract attention away from you sister, like you always did when you were little!”

“No, Mother,” I said, shaking my head again, “actually, I am wearing a dress today because that is what I wanted to wear, and that is the person that I am every single day in my life that I live thousands and thousands of miles away from you where I am happy and am able to live as I want to live, not as you wish I wanted to live! And I am wearing a dress today because that is what my sister wanted for me – to be one of her bridesmaids and to be a part of her once-in-a-lifetime day. All despite your closed-minded attempts to continue to try to get me to live as you want me to live, and not as I know I was meant to live.”

My mother snickered, “How you were meant to live?”

“Yes, Mother!” I shouted. “How I was meant to live. How I do live. I am April every day back home! There is no more Alex. I work as April. I live my life as April. April owns a great company and has employees who respect her. April has a successful career with colleagues that respect her, and amazing friends and loving sisters that support her. Literally everyone in my world supports me and is happy for me and my success except for you! You are the only one that refuses to step out of the dark ages and recognize that I am a woman – recognize that I am a good and successful person that has fought hard to find her way in this world and is actually doing some real good out there for real people!”

“Jesus, mom,” I continued with a sigh. “I put myself through college. I started my own business. I have never asked you for a thing. I have a successful career and I live a very good life. I am living right. I am living very right.”

Once again, my mother thought on what I said. Again, I really started to feel that perhaps for the very first time, this conversation was actually starting to sink in a bit with her. And just as before, the second that I thought my mother realized that what I was saying was actually sinking in, and that she might not be right, she lashed out with another random attack. “Everyone I talk to about you,” Mother said, “insists that you are this way because your father was not around to set you straight.”

“Ha ha, mother!” I snickered. “Yes, set me straight! Confine me to suits and a life I never wanted to live, with a hetero-normal family and 2.3 children, just like you always dreamt for me!”

“Just like how your father and I dreamt for you!” my mother retorted.

I took another deep breath. In that instant, I decided to tell my mother something that I had kept hidden since I was a child – since before my dad, her husband, left us so unexpectedly. “You know, mother, I hate to rain on your normalcy parade, but dad knew. Dad knew and he supported me! Unlike you, he was OK with who I am and who I was going to be! He just was too scared to ever let you know that was how he felt. He knew you were just too selfish and closed-minded to ever accept me for who I am!”

“That is a lie and you know it, Alex!” my mother shouted back at me. I could tell that had really hit a nerve.

“No! Not at all, mother!” I yelled back. “In fact, he is the one who helped me pick the name April! When I told him that I always wished that I had been June so that you would love me like I was her, he said June was not the only month that girls were named after and asked what I thought of the name April. I honestly did not think much of it at the time, but once Dad was gone, all I ever wanted was to be called April because he picked that name for me.”

“Lies!” my mother hollered. “More lies! Your father would never have been OK with you wanting to be a girl! He would never have been OK with you being called April! He would never have had a conversation with you dressed like - like this!”

I could not help but laugh and shake my head. “Gee, Mother, I hate to break it to you, but you sure did not know your husband very well!”

“You take that back!” my mother shouted. “You have no right to say that to me!”

“No right?!” I demanded, narrowing my glance. “I want you to picture this because it happened! You and June and Nicky were at the store and you left me home with Dad and you told him to take me to the park to play baseball with the neighborhood boys while you were gone, but instead, unlike you, Dad asked me what I wanted to do, and I told him that I wanted to stay home, and so, we stayed home. Dad went into the garage to work on the car, which always took him hours, and you always took hours at the store, so what did I do? I snuck into June’s room and I put on her pretty Sunday dress with her pretty little heels and I sat at that pretty little white and pink vanity with the lights and I did my makeup, which I did every chance I got!”

“No!” my mother yelled. “Your father would never have allowed such a thing!”

“Oh, he didn’t know that is what I did when he was out working on the car and you and my sisters were gone. He didn’t know for years, but you wanna know what, Mother?! One time, he came into the house and he caught me. He came to find me to help him with something and he saw me sitting in June’s dress at her vanity putting on my makeup, and you wanna know what he said? Do you?”

I waited for an answer, but she just looked at me through those inflamed eyes. “He told me that it was OK. He told me that he understood. He told me that he wanted me to be me. He told me that he loved me no matter what. He told me that he wanted me to be happy. He told me that whatever I did, I needed to live the life that was going to be right for me. Not for him. Not for you. Not for my sisters, but for me! That was your husband! That was my father! He understood! He was a good person who loved me as I was, and I am one-hundred-percent sure he would have loved me as I am today! That is something that I could never say about you! He was my dad, and he loved me no matter what!”

“No!” my mother shouted back at me. “You are lying!”

My fists were clenched, I was breathing hard, and I swear I was breaking a sweat out there in that June afternoon light. My mother’s eyes were wide and she was giving me that nasty look and looked like she was about to charge me like a rhino.

I was about to continue with my tirade when my grandmother shouted from where she was standing. “Stop! That is enough!” Grandma paused a second as both my mother and I looked over towards her. She was definitely in emotional pain at standing by and watching my mother and I fight like we were. “That is enough,” she said again, this time in a normal tone.

Grandma paused again, almost as if catching her breath from having to stand there and listen to the verbal jabs my mother and I had just exchanged in front of her.

“April is not lying,” my grandmother said after a short bit in a much more calm tone. “She is telling the truth.” Grandma looked right at my mother and said, “I know it is hard for you to hear – I know it is not what you want to hear – but Jason came to me when he saw Alex dressed as April for the first time to ask my advice. His parents were already gone and he knew that he could not talk to you about it, so he came to me. He confided in me about not knowing what to do because he wanted to let Alex live as April if that is what she really wanted, but he also knew that you would never allow it.”

“No, Mother! You are lying!” my mother insisted.

“Yes, honey, we are all lying to you – just making this all up to make you feel bad. I am sorry to say, dear, but we are not lying – we are telling you the truth. It is not what you want to hear, but it is all true. Jason told me that he understood about Alex wanting to be April because he went through the same thing when he was growing up, but he pushed it down inside and repressed it and never talked to anyone about it – even you – and never pursued it because he knew society and his family would not accept it. He said that he knew it was a different time when he was younger, but that he knew that Alex was growing up in a better time, and that if Alex wanted to live his life as April, that it was possible for him.” Grandma then looked at me and said, “Possible for her.” Grandma then looked back to my mother and said, “Your husband wanted that for April, but he was so afraid of approaching you because he knew you would never accept it. And he never got the chance because a week later, he was gone.”

My mother just stood there, shaking her head, saying no over and over again, almost to herself.

“I have been too afraid to tell you all these years,” my grandmother said, “because, like Jason, I knew how you would react and that you would simply not accept the facts about April, but after seeing how you have treated her here today, and being able to tell that you are about to lose your child – your wonderful daughter April - I can no longer be silent. I am sorry. I should have told you sooner.” My grandmother then looked to me. “I am sorry, April, I should have told you sooner, too, and I should have fought even harder for you much sooner than today.”

In the back of my mind, I was grappling with hearing that, apparently, not only had my father confided in my grandmother about that day he saw me dressed in June’s clothes and sitting at her vanity, doing my makeup, but also, he had felt the same way about being a girl as I did. Even I was having a really hard time believing that and coming to grips with it. If it had been coming from anyone other than my grandmother, I would not have believed it. I did not know what to say to my grandmother about that. I could see from the look on her face that Nicky was just as shocked as I was to hear that about our father.

“Grandma,” I said, “you have always supported me since the very first time I told you about wanting to be April. You supported me when I was younger. You supported me before I even realized how it was that I wanted to live my life. Your support was part of the reason I decided to become April, and to live as April, and today, the life I live is because I knew no matter what, you would support me.” I then turned and looked to Nicky and said, “And I knew that you and June would love and support me no matter what.” I then looked back at my mother. “And I knew that your lack of support would never outweigh their support. No matter how hard I tried to get you to accept me, no matter how hard I tried to win you over and to have you love and support me unconditionally, I knew I would survive and endure, and even thrive, which I have done, with the support and love from the other women in our family. And I know for a fact that if my father were alive and here today, he would have supported me every step of the way. I know that had he lived, he would have figured out a way to convince you that he was right – that I was right – and that how I live my life is up to me, and not up to you.”

My mother’s facade seemed to crumble a bit and her scowl was disappearing with each word that I uttered. “Honey, I-“

“Let me finish,” I cut her off. “Every single person in this world that I have encountered since I started living as April that did not support me – that did not see that I was just living as me – I cut out of my life immediately and completely. I never spoke to them again – tried to make sure that I never saw them again – that is, except for you. I know I have not come home often and I know I have not called, but even though you fought me every step of the way – even though you never, ever supported me – never, ever told me that you were proud of me, despite all that I have accomplished, I never cut you out of my life completely. And, mother, I should have. I should have given up on you and just made things easier on me, but I didn’t. I didn’t because when I told Dad that you would never support me and that you would never understand, he told me that I needed to give you time – that it might take years and years, but he knew that at some point you would come around – that at some point, you would understand – because you are my mother and he knew that you were a good person – that he knew one day you would finally accept me for who and what I am. And I have tried – and tried, and tried, and tried – to give you time – to give you chance after chance after chance to prove him right – to prove that deep down, my father knew who you were – knew that he was right about you, but standing here today, I am really starting to feel that maybe he was wrong – that maybe you simply will never understand – that you will never love me no matter what – even though he thought that someday you would.”

I stopped talking and took a breath. Grandma was just standing there, still looking pretty distraught at this sudden and impromptu exchange between my mother and I that really seemed like it was going to be the make it or break it point in our relationship. Nicky had moved over towards me as I was sharing that last part with Mother, had taken my hand in hers, and was holding on to my shoulder, looking right at Mother, like me, waiting to see what my mother’s response would be. 

Just as it looked like my mother was about to say something, we heard June and Frank talking as they came into view back around to the side of the house from the front. Nicole was following behind them, taking some shots of them walking back over towards us while holding hands.

When they both looked up, you could tell they were a little puzzled, but honestly not surprised to see me and Mother squared off at each other with Nicky at my side and Grandma not too far from us. “Everything OK?” June asked, sounding as if she knew no matter what was going on, we were going to say that everything was all right.

I turned my eyes away from Mother and looked over to June. “Yeah, everything is fine. We were just waiting for you to come back.”

June looked to Nicky to confirm my answer and Nicky simply nodded and started to walk passed me towards June. Nicky kept my hand in hers and pulled me behind her, away from Mother and Grandma. “How did the pictures go?” Nicky asked.

“Good!” June said, smiling. “I think we got some great shots!”

“All ready for dinner, then?” Nicky asked, to which both June and Frank said they were definitely ready.

In planning the wedding, we asked June about doing a grand entrance to the reception to which she said that she was already so nervous about being the center of attention for the ceremony that she just wanted to have everyone sit down at the tables and start being served dinner, though she wouldn’t mind if one of us said a little something before the meal began. Mother wanted to do a prayer, but June said she just wanted a few nice words that thanked people for coming. At that point, Nicky said that she would do it, but of course, I ended up reluctantly insisting that it be me because like June, Nicky got very nervous talking in front of people.

Being in the spotlight at home when among friends, I honestly had no problem at all speaking in front of crowds, but when it was back home, I always tried to just linger in the shadows as much as possible. But, since it was for June, on her wedding day, I figured I would just bite the bullet.

Nicky and I followed Frank and June back towards the reception area that was set up with the tables and chairs. My mother and grandmother filed in behind us and started to walk over to the reception area as well. I expected them to continue the conversation that Mother and I had started, but instead, they walked together in silence, arm in arm. I then thought that maybe they were using their silence to finish the conversation.

As we neared the reception area, some of the guests that were standing around, chatting, drinking, and enjoying the appetizers noticed that we were returning and started to move closer to the tables, I am sure figuring that the reception dinner was about to start.

Frank stopped and faced everyone and then said, “Folks, if you would like to take your seats, we are going to start the reception and serve dinner momentarily.” He paused and looked over towards me. At my feet, but over towards me. “June’s...uh...June’s...sister...Al...uh...April...is going to say a few words.”

I breathed out and gently bit my bottom lip. I couldn’t necessarily be surprised at all at that lackluster introduction from Frank, right? Pretty much par for the course.

June and Frank, as well as Nicky, Mother, and Grandma made their way over to the long table that was set not too far from the alter area, facing all of the round guest tables, and took their seats. While they did so, I went and stood on the other side of the long wedding party table, also facing the guests as I waited for everyone to take their seats. Once most of them were seated, I breathed out, steadied my nerves, and began to say what I had prepared on the plane very early that morning.

“My family and I,” I started, “would like to thank you for sharing this special day with June and Frank. I know that you are just as excited for them and their future as we all are.” I looked toward June and Frank, pausing for just a moment. “I know everyone here joins me in wishing you both the absolute best in the many years that you will share together.” June smiled at me and nodded, mouthing “Thank you” while Frank looked somewhere around my shoulders and nodded.

I then turned a little bit and looked at my grandmother. “Grandma,” I said, “I also know I speak for everyone when I say thank you for opening up your home and this amazing place to us for yet another family wedding.” My grandmother blew me a kiss and gave everyone a wave as some of the guest applauded and some chuckled a bit, knowing they had been to so many weddings at her house over the years.

I then turned back around and faced the crowd. It was what I expected. Lots of smiles, but, still, some of those long and distant stares from people that I did not know so well who were looking at me like I was that sister, including Frank’s parents who were taking the opportunity to face towards me, but were actually looking up at the branches of the big oak tree instead of me. “And thanks again to all of you for being here and breaking bread with us this afternoon.”

With that, I looked over to the catering team and nodded, then nodded at the guests and then moved around to take my seat at the table. Fortunately, June and Nicky had the forethought to put Nicky and Grandma between me and Mother, so I was able to simply walk passed her, though she was looking up at me out of the corners of her eyes while still looking down as I passed behind her as she was sitting at the table.

As soon as I sat down, Nicky took my hand in hers and shook it a little bit. “Good job, sis,” she said with a smile.

“Thank you,” I said. I then realized that I was sitting between Nicky and Danny. I just did not feel right separating them at the table like that, so I got up out of the chair, still holding Nicky’s hand, and said to her, “Here, you switch with me so you can sit next to Danny.”

Nicky looked concerned, but I assured her that I would be OK with just Grandma between me and Mother. Nicky stood up and sat down next to Danny and I sat down next to Grandma who then reached over and took my hand. “Nice little speech, girl,” she said. “Short and sweet.”

“Just like you,” I said to Grandma and we both laughed a bit.

Through the meal, I did my best to talk with Nicky when she wasn’t talking with Danny, and to talk with Grandma when she and Mother were not talking. The silence between my mother and grandmother only lasted through the walk to the table, though I didn’t hear a peep again from Grandma or my mother about that heated exchange we just had. I still had this uneasy feeling that either what I had said sunk in with my mother, or now that all of that was out in the open, nothing was ever going to change and my time with my mother was going to have to be even more limited moving forward just to keep my sanity.

After we were done eating, I noticed that Danny turned to Nicky and said, “I’ll be right back, OK?” to which she nodded yes and then turned towards me to chat since Danny was getting up from the table. Danny stood and then put his hand on his brother’s shoulder and said to him, “Let’s go get a drink.” Frank got up from his chair and the two brothers moved around the long wedding party table and moved off towards the bar that was set up by the back porch.

Figuring that the brothers were just going to get a drink, I did not take any particular notice at the time. Nicky, June, and I then exchanged some small talk across the empty chairs the guys had left. We talked a bit about June being nervous about the ceremony but that she was OK now, and how much fun she and Frank had taking the pictures. June tried to ask what all of the posturing that was going on with me and Mother was all about when she came back from taking the pictures, but I shooshed her because I did not want Mother to overhear us talking about that. Nicky quietly told June that she would tell her all about it later.

It was then that I noticed June’s glass was empty – she had opted for ginger ale instead of wine – and I asked her if she wanted me to get her another drink. She said that she thought Frank was bringing her one, but she then looked over towards the bar and did not see the guys. “Wonder where they went,” June said, genuinely curious.

I figured I could use a stretch and a few minutes away from feeling awkward about sitting just a chair away from my mother after our little exchange earlier and said to June, “I am going to get up and get a drink. I’ll bring you one.” I then looked at Nicky and asked if she wanted another drink, but she said she was fine for now.

I then looked over at my grandmother and mother who stopped talking and said “Grandma, Mother, do you need something else to drink?” to which Grandma replied, “No, dear, I am fine,” and Mother replied while not actually looking at me, “No, thank you, dear.” The “dear” from Grandma was very normal, but the “dear” from Mom gave me a moment of pause. I really started to think that maybe everything Mother learned during our heated exchange on the side of the house may have actually sunken in. I was afraid to hope, but at the same time, was very hopeful.

I rose up from my seat and headed around the table to go over to the bar. As I walked the length of the reception area towards the house, I pretty much passed all of the guest tables. I got a little smile and a wave from Benny Harper, who was chatting up one of the girls from Frank’s family, and some smiles from the other, mostly friendly faces. Of course, I got a few of those that sister stares again as well. When I finally reached the bar, the young guy who looked like he was in his early 20s, was very nice and greeted me with a smile.

“What can I get for you?” he asked.

“I will take a red wine for me and a ginger ale for the bride.”

“Sure, no problem,” he said, reaching down under the counter to get two glasses and grab one of the bottles of wine and a can of ginger ale. “The bride not feeling well?” he asked as he poured the ginger ale.

It took me a second, but I realized what he was asking and why. I thought about June’s little secret as to why she was not drinking wine, and said, “Yeah, something like that. I am sure she will be feeling better soon.”

The young guy smiled and nodded, then said, “It has been a lovely wedding,” as he poured the glass of wine.

“Thank you,” I said. “It has been lovely, hasn’t it?”

He nodded.

I then asked, “So, are you from here in town?”

He promptly replied with, “I am. Born and raised.”

“Lovely,” I said. “Me too, I just don’t live here anymore.” I paused a second. “Family is here, but had to go elsewhere for work.”

He nodded again as he finished pouring the glass of wine. “Completely understandable. It can be...” he paused, “um, a little unforgiving around here.”

I chucked a bit. “Yeah, that is putting it politely, right?”

“Oh honey,” he said, smirking at me, “Funny how some folks can be so polite-fully rude ‘round here.”

I let out a full laugh at that and instantly understood and commiserated with him. “That is a good way of putting it,” I smirked, “My mother included.”

“Mine too,” he smirked back at me with wide eyes as he put the full glasses up on the counter between us.

After having shared that little moment, I figured I would ask because the more I was thinking about it, the more curious I was getting. “Did you see where the groom and best man ran off to?” I asked. “I know I saw them over here, but they never came back to the table.”

“Oh, yeah,” he said, “they came over, took a shot, and then went into the house. The younger one seemed pretty insistent on talking to the older one about something the older one seemed not to want to talk about.”

“That probably would be me they wanted to talk about, then,” I said, saying it a bit under my breath.

It took the young bartender a second to realize what I had said and he returned with, “Oh, girl, I am that subject of conversation in my family, too.”

My curiosity got the best of me at that point and I just felt this need to go and see where they had ended up, so I figured I’d wander off into the house for a quick minute. I turned over my shoulder and looked back up at the wedding party table and no one was paying any attention to me, so I turned back and asked the bartender to hold on to the drinks for me and said that I would be right back, to which he responded with, “Sure thing, honey.”

I quickly moved over to and up the back porch steps, then through the back doorway into the house. Just then, Derek was coming down the stairs, carrying Little Franny, who had her head on his shoulders, obviously a little tired from the day’s adventure thus far.

“Awwwww,” I said, looking up at Derek, “is she all tuckered out?”

“Yep,” he said. “She had to go the bathroom and someone is in the downstairs, and she just could not wait.”

I stood at the base of the stairs and waited for Derek to finish coming down. I then kissed Little Franny on the forehead and she smiled, still nestling onto her dad’s shoulder. “You want me to wait for you?” Derek asked, I assumed thinking that I had come into the house to use the bathroom.

“No, that is fine, “ I said, “You go ahead. I’ll be right out in a few minutes.”

Derek smiled and then disappeared out the back door. I took a few steps towards that big downstairs bathroom where I had gotten dressed for the wedding, and once I was a few feet away, I could clearly hear that Frank and Danny were talking in the bathroom. What’s more, I could completely make out what the Johnstone brothers were saying in there. They had closed the door, but you really had to make sure that big wood and glass bathroom door closed all the way, otherwise it opened back up a bit. I knew that I should have just turned and walked away, and gone back out into the backyard, but my curiosity just got the best of me. Their tone sounded so serious that I just could not help but listen.

“Dude, look, I get it, okay,” I heard Frank say in that loud whisper voice people use when they are trying to stay quiet but are also trying to emphasize their emotions. “April, or Alex, or whatever – I’m really doing my best with it – I know she loves him like a sister and treats him the same as Nicky and what not, but the whole thing just totally weirds me out. Like, be a dude if you’re born a dude. I just don’t get it.”

My heart sunk. I knew that was how Frank felt, but at the same time, it still hurt very much to hear him say it out loud. All I had ever done since the day I met Frank was try to make him feel welcome. I always tried to be as nice as possible. Through all of the distant stares, the looks towards my feet instead of into my eyes, and all the unreturned pleasantries that I offered him, I honestly still held out hope that one day he would warm up to me. I knew June loved him so very much, and I knew that she also had hope he would come around one day, but maybe he just wouldn’t.

“Look,” I heard Danny say, forcefully but still trying to keep the volume of his voice down, “all I am saying is feel how you feel about it, and believe what you believe about it, but I am telling you right now, to June, April is her sister, and I know that because that is how Nicky feels about April, too, so unless you want to have some serious problems with your wife down the road, you really need to squash that shit and just get onboard with April being a girl, regardless, bro.”

I felt good about the genuine nature in which Danny was trying to make my case on what I could only assume was my behalf, but perhaps had been encouraged by either Nicky or June, or both, even though Danny’s angle of argument still hurt a bit to hear. It saddened me that Danny apparently felt the only way Frank could stomach me being me was to simply ignore and suppress his actual feelings about me instead of seeing that Frank might actually and genuinely get to the point where he was OK with who I am. I did not necessarily reason it away, but at the same time, was still appreciative that Danny was trying to find a way to get his brother to just accept me.

“Yeah, yeah,” Frank said, obviously annoyed that his younger brother was forcing him to have this conversation. “I mean, dude, I am trying. It is just difficult for me. This stuff is not normal to people my age – to my friends and to my people. Your generation is different.”

“Look,” Danny continued, “you have an amazing wife and you just married into an amazing family. That girl is going to give you some beautiful kids and you are going to have a shit-all amazing life. If all you have to do is be nice to her little sister who just happens to have been born a guy, I mean, really? Is that such a big deal? Is that something to ruin your amazing life and your relationship with your amazing wife over?”

There was a slight pause and then Frank let out an audible sigh. “Nah...you’re right. It’s not. It’s not.”

I could not tell if Frank was genuinely giving what Danny was saying some thought or if he was just appeasing his brother. I was honestly still optimistic in my heart that maybe Danny was getting through to Frank. I did really want Frank and I to have an actual relationship at some point, and I genuinely wanted him to just treat me as a normal person – just a normal sister-in-law instead of like some strange person to avoid at all cost, which was an apt way to describe how he had pretty much treated me thus far.

“All I am saying is,” Danny continued, “yes, April was born male, but she has decided that she wants to live as female. What difference does that make to you? What do you care? How does that impact you?”

“Yeah, yeah, I see what you mean,” Frank answered right away. I felt I could hear a bit of a change in his voice, as if he was becoming less defensive and more open to what he was hearing.

“You’re not dating April,” Danny said matter-of-factly. “She is your sister-in-law. She is a girl. She will be your kids’ aunt. She makes her own way in the world, and dude, it’s not like she’s going to be living next door to you or crashing at your place. She’ll never ask you for a thing. All she is asking is that you just treat her like a normal and regular person – your wife’s sister,  April – like who she is. And if that is-“

Just then, I heard the back door open and heard a couple steps behind me. I instantly became so worried that whoever was coming up behind me would say something, alerting the brothers to my presence as I was hunched there by the wall outside the bathroom. I quickly turned around and thankfully, the footsteps belonged to my grandmother. I was sure that when I did not return to the table from the bar, she grew worried about me and came to find me. She was just about to say something and I held my finger up to my mouth, looked at her with wide eyes, and mouthed the shoosh sound without making a sound.

My grandmother stopped in her tracks, raised her shoulders like she had been caught doing something she should not have been, and looked back at me with the same wide eyes and smiled. I quickly covered the ground between us, walking on the balls of my feet so that my heels would not click on the wood floor, and then held on to her arm, quickly guiding her back towards and then through the back doorway.

We did not say a word until we were out on the back porch, thankfully alone, as everyone was still sitting at the dinner tables and lingering by the bar.

“What was that about?” my grandma asked, whispering. “Were you spying on someone?”

           I laughed. She always made me laugh like that. “Frank and Danny were in the bathroom talking about me,” I said, just loud enough for her to hear as I knew that downstairs bathroom window on the side of the house was probably still open. “Danny was trying to convince Frank that he needs to get along with me better.”

My grandmother made that awwwwww sound grandmothers make when someone is doing something nice for you. She put her arm around me and said, softly, “That Frank will come around, I just know it. He knows how important you are to your sisters.”

I leaned into Grandma’s embrace. “I know. I really, really hope so.”

As we both just shared in our little sideways embrace, our heads against each other, I heard the back door open behind us. I turned over my shoulder and turned my body halfway back towards the back door, expecting to see Frank and Danny returning to the backyard to finish dinner. I was hoping that they would see me standing there with my grandmother, just outside the house, and instantly become nervous that perhaps I had heard what they were saying in the bathroom.

But, instead, as I looked back towards the doorway, my eyes took in something that I honestly thought I would never see. Never in a million years. There, standing in the doorway, holding open that big, heavy back door was the love of my life who had mysteriously broken up with me over the phone just two days earlier.

I was frozen and could do nothing but look right at her as she stood there, half smiling, half obviously totally unsure of how I was going to react to her presence, as we simply just locked eyes for what had to be who knows how long.

She was wearing the beautiful baby blue chiffon long gown with a lengthy leg slit on the left side and plunging neckline that we had picked out together for her to wear to the wedding. It really was the perfect shade against her light skin tone and crystal blue eyes. She had on the little white heels we picked out as well, much lower than her normal heels, but so that she would be the same height as me in my big, high heels. Her long brunette hair was fashioned half up and half down and she was wearing the same exact little white faux floral headband that I was. When I bought us matching floral headbands, she laughed at me and said that she was worried people would think it was corny that we were wearing the same headband, but I insisted that we do so because I thought it would be so cute. She had on the beautiful dangling rhinestone heart earrings and letter necklace charm I bought her and gave to her when I first asked her to come with me to June’s wedding. The same exact one that Nicky and I were wearing, and hers was the same letter as mine – A. As usual, her makeup was flawless and she was wearing my favorite shade of bright red lipstick.

I knew that my eyes were looking her over from head to toe, taking in her beauty, but at the same time, I also knew that I had to have a look of complete and utter shock on my face because when I left home to go to the airport to come to the wedding, I was certain there was no way she was coming to the wedding, and quite frankly, I wasn’t even sure if I was ever going to see her again.

After I stood there for more than a few seconds, just looking at her, she finally said, “Hi,” her voice cracking a bit on that one syllable, obviously nervous at my reaction to her being there.

I opened my mouth to say hi back, but nothing came out. At hearing the “Hi”, and obviously not recognizing the voice, I’m sure herself also expecting it to be Frank and Danny coming through that door behind us, my grandmother turned back around entirely. “Hello,” my grandmother said. “Don’t you look absolutely lovely. And what a beautiful dress! Are you a friend of June’s?”

Her eyes finally pulled away from mine as she looked over to my grandmother. “Um....” she started out, still obviously nervous. “Thank you,” she said, then paused a second, almost seeming to have to think about every word she was saying. “You look lovely as well.” Another pause. “I...um....actually...I am a...friend...of April’s.” Her eyes left my grandmother and returned to me when she said my name.

My grandmother looked over towards me, I imagine looking for some type of movement or reaction from me, but alas, I was still frozen. Grandma then took the few steps between her and the back doorway to greet this new, unexpected wedding guest.

For some reason, my grandmother going to greet her jolted me from my frozen state. I quickly took the steps I needed to reach her before my grandmother did, pretty much standing between them. I smiled and looked at my grandmother, giving her a genuine look of apology for the freeze there and for intercepting her greeting. “Um, Grandma,” I said, pausing for a second while I brought my hand up to cover my mouth for some reason, then lowered my hand and finished with, “will you give us a second?”

My grandmother looked at me, a little puzzled, and then nodded yes. She looked at the girl in the doorway and then back at me. “Sure, sweetheart. You take all the time you need.” My grandmother then turned, started walking towards the porch steps, and said, “I will meet you back at the table.” She smiled at me, smiled at the girl in the doorway, and then turned and walked down the stairs towards the tables in the sprawling backyard.

I reached up and without really looking at her, grabbed her hand and guided her off towards the corner of the porch, away from the stairs that lead down into the back lawn, towards the side of the porch that turned and then led to the window of that big, long bathroom. I knew the brothers might still be in there talking, but I wasn’t sure where else to go to have the conversation I was about to have.

She followed along behind me, practically being drug as our heels together clicked rapidly on the porch’s wood floor. Once we were almost to the edge of the house and where I felt we were both far enough away from the dinner tables and the open bathroom window, I turned and faced her, still holding her hand.

“What?...What are you doing here?” It came out way more angry than I had planned, but I definitely heard it in my voice once the words left my mouth.

I felt she was a little startled by my tone, but she chose to ignore it and answered as if I had asked her the question in a much more reasonable manner. “Well, I came here to tell you that I want to change my answer.”

“Change your answer?” I asked back, instinctively, sounding as if I did not know what she was talking about, though I completely did.

“Yes,” she said, now smiling that beautiful smile as if she and I were just taking a walk back home, instead of having just surprised me by popping out of the back door to my grandmother’s house, over two thousand miles away from where I had last seen her. “I gave it some thought, and I want to change my answer.”

She paused as if waiting for me to say something – as if she was giving me the opportunity to speak so that she did not cut me off if it was my intention to say something at that point. Realizing that I was still going to remain silent, she continued, “You are the single best thing that has ever happened to me, and you know that I love you more than anything else in this world.” She then reached up and took my other hand in hers. “You surprised me. I was not expecting that. I heard some news that morning that had me in a bit of an uncertain state, so when out of the blue, you asked me, I just freaked out a little. I am so, so, so, sorry. I know that was not the answer that you were expecting, but I want you to ask me again.”

The words hit my ears with sheer and utter joy, but at the same time, I was still so shocked that she was here, standing before me, all these miles away, so unexpectedly. Her eyes were glowing, her smile was beaming. She was so beautiful in the afternoon light, standing there in that beautiful dress on my grandmother’s porch. It was as if a dream was coming true. “Are you...are you sure?” I asked. Again, the words left my mouth and I was mortified that I had just said them.

She laughed a little bit and bit her bottom lip, smiling that beautiful smile that she knew I loved so very much. She nodded her head and said, “Yes.”

I breathed out a sigh, still looking right into those beautiful eyes. I squeezed her hands a little tighter, shook them a little bit, and then asked, “Will you marry me?”

“Yes,” she beamed.

“Yes?” I asked, nodding my head a bit.

“Yes!” she shouted as she let go of my hands and then threw her arms around my neck. Without hesitation, she leaned in and kissed me passionately. For a split second I realized where we were and what was going on around us. Just for a split second, and then I was lost in that kiss as I embraced her and held her tight. What I had dreamt of happening not long after I met her had actually just happened.

It was a beautiful and passionate kiss, probably one of the best ones we had shared in all of our years together. When we broke the kiss, she left her arms wrapped around my neck and I left my hands on her hips. We just stood there like that for a minute or so, just looking into each other’s eyes. Finally, I asked her, “Are you ready to meet everybody?”

She bit her bottom lip and nodded again, her eyes growing even wider. She squealed a little bit and bounced on her feet a bit as well.

“Are you sure?” I asked. “Even my mother?”

She laughed and then nodded again. “Yes, even your mother.” She paused. “I can do it.”

I laughed a bit back and then said, “Okay, let’s go meet everyone. Hopefully, they are all still together at the wedding party table.”

She took her hands off my neck and I let go of her waist. We both turned back towards the dinner reception and walked back down the porch, looking into each other’s eyes and smiling. I then realized Frank and Danny were standing just outside the back door, looking right at us. Judging by the blank look on Frank’s face, his mouth slightly agape, and Danny’s wide smile and surprised eyes, I was pretty certain they had made it out on the porch in time to catch my girl and I in our passionate kiss.

We quickly walked towards them, holding hands, swinging our arms as I looked Frank right in the face and said, “Bet you didn’t see that one coming, Frank.” Danny laughed and Frank just kept looking at me with that blank stare as we turned to go down the stairs, still holding hands.

I then looked over towards the reception tables, expecting to see my family sitting at that long table, but instead, there they all were, all four women, standing near the base of the porch steps, looking at me and my girl with the same shocked look that Frank had on his face. Apparently, either my grandmother had alerted them to my guest showing up, or they had seen her themselves, but either way, they had made their way fairly quickly from the wedding party table over to the bottom of the stairs that led out into the backyard.

I smiled at them all as I guided my fiancee down the stairs as quickly and safely as we could in our heels, and finally rested on the ground, standing before them, still holding hands.

 I looked at each one of them as I said their name, moving from left to right as they were standing there. “Grandma, Mother, June, Nicky...this is...my fiancee...Alex.”

And there it was. My grandmother’s shocked expression immediately melted into a warm smile and I could tell she was thinking my fiancee being named Alex was as cute and ironic as I had thought it was when I first realized that I was falling in love with her.

My sisters both bowed over laughing hysterically – trying to remain somewhat composed, but not doing a very good job of it at all. Mother looked like a deer in headlights. I don’t know if she was more shocked that this beautiful and amazing creature standing next to me was my fiancee, and a woman, or was absolutely shocked that her name was Alex.

Alex took a step forward towards my grandmother first – I think because her reaction was the most normal of the four ladies and she had already encountered her just a few minutes earlier. My grandmother instinctively opened her arms and took Alex into a warm embrace. “It is so lovely to meet, you, my dear Alex,” my grandmother said, holding her tight. “Welcome to our family.”

As Alex and my grandmother hugged, I looked to my mother. She was watching my grandmother hug Alex with that same look of shock and surprise still. As my grandmother let go of Alex, both June and Nicky stepped towards her at the same time and hugged her, all at once. Alex laughed as she was caught between the two of them, her arms at her side, unable to reach up and around them before they wrapped her in their arms.

“Oh my god, Alex!” June shouted. “We had no idea!” Nicky immediately followed with, “It is so lovely and amazing to meet you! April told us you weren’t coming!”

My sisters let go of Alex and turned towards me, both with their hands on their hips about to obviously scold me. “No, no,” Alex said, smiling. “This all was entirely my fault. April didn’t know I was coming. Something came up before we left and I actually told her that I wasn’t going to come.”

“Well, dear,” my grandmother said, “we are just so very happy to meet you and to have you here.”

Alex was smiling ear to ear and I could tell she was really enjoying the lovely greeting she was receiving from my grandmother and sisters. Alex then looked towards my mother who was still standing there, mouth agape a bit, appearing as if she was unable to move. Realizing that she was going to have to be the one to initiate any type of greeting, Alex stepped towards her.

“Mrs. Baker,” Alex said as she reached out and took my mother’s hands in hers, “it is just so lovely to meet you.”

My mother still could not utter a word, though her look of shock was now growing into at least a small smile. Mother looked over her shoulder to me, looking right at me for a few seconds and then looked bac­­­k to Alex. “Hi,” my mother finally said slowly. “Hi...Alex,” she said.

Mother then looked to me again for a few seconds and then back to Alex. After a couple seconds of just smiling at my mother, Alex said, “Thank you for having me here today, Mrs. Baker. It means so much for me to be able to come here and meet you and your family.”

My mother nodded and said smiling, “And you’re a...you’re a girl-girl?”

Alex laughed as my mother continued to stare at her with a bit of a smile. Before Alex could answer, my mother looked over to me again for a few seconds and then back to Alex.

“Well, Mrs. Baker,” Alex said in her usual friendly and loving tone, “we’re all girl-girls, but, yes, I was born with the traditional girl parts.”

“And you?” my mother asked, still smiling a bit, breathing inward, taking in the situation she had just been presented with, “You are OK with April not being Alex?”

Alex laughed again, nodding her head. “Yes, Mrs. Baker, I am very much in love with April. She is an amazing and very accomplished woman. I am very, very lucky to have a girl like April in my life.”

Still holding on to Alex’s hands, my mother looked over towards me to find me now with the bit of a shocked look as this was the first time she had ever called me April when talking about me to someone. “So, you’re a....” My mother paused a second. “You’re a...lesbian?”

I could not help but laugh a bit at how much my mother had struggled to say the word lesbian. “Well, mother, we don’t really label what we are or how we refer to ourselves. She is Alex. I am April. And we are in love and are getting married, and that is all that there is to it. We’re in love. That’s all we need.”

I was genuinely surprised to see my mother nodding and appearing to actually listen to what I was saying without immediately dismissing it as utter nonsense to her. I wondered if she had called me April because the girl standing before her was named Alex and it would have just been far too confusing to have called me Alex, too. But, either way, I was just so happy to hear her actually call me April, I did not care what the reason was.

I then felt as if I was witnessing a miracle as my mother pulled Alex into her, embraced her, and said, “Alex, I am so happy to meet you.”

Alex relished in the embrace, looking right at me with such surprise on her face after all of the things I had told her about my mother over the years she and I had been together. Once I knew June was getting married and that I wanted to be in her wedding as April, and bring Alex with me, I spent a great deal of time attempting to prepare Alex for what it was going to be like to be in my mother’s presence with me as April. Alex truly appeared to be genuinely relived and quite surprised, but above all, extremely happy that my mother was actually greeting her with such slightly delinquent kindness.

My mother then let go of Alex, and Alex began to step towards me, but stopped when my grandmother reached out to her and stepped to stand next to her while they both faced me. My grandmother looked towards me and then to Alex and said, “I insist that if you are both okay with it, that you get married here at my home. Whenever you are ready. Invite all of your friends and all of Alex’s family. Everyone is welcome here.”

Alex embraced my grandmother again and said, “I would love that very much. April has told me so many times that she hoped that one day she could get married here, and I would consider it such a great honor.”

I was starting to tear up a little and quickly closed the distance to my grandmother and fiancee and embraced them both as I said, “Thank you, Grandma.”

Grandma kissed me on the cheek and said into my ear, “Your grandfather and your father would have loved her. I just know it.”

“I know so, too, Grandma,” I said, pulling away from the hug, looking up at the sky a bit to try to stop my tears from falling. My grandmother then let go of Alex and Alex joined me at my side, interlacing her fingers into mine. Alex could see I was getting pretty emotional and embraced me from the side and used her fingers to help stop my tears as she looked at me and smiled.

“You will stay for the rest of the wedding, won’t you?” June asked Alex, reaching her hand towards her.

Alex took my sister’s hand into hers and said, “Yes, of course. I would love that.”

“I will fix you a plate and you must come and sit with us at the wedding party table,” my grandmother said to Alex as she started to walk towards the food tables. “I insist.”

“Yes, please,” June then said to Alex, smiling, “you must come and sit with April at our table, and as soon as you are done eating, we will cut the cake.”

“I would like that very much,” Alex said to June. June let go of Alex’s hand and then reached down to pull up the hemline of her dress, indicating to all of us that she was about to return to that long wedding party table. “Frank!” June called up to her husband as he was still standing there with Danny at the top of the stairs by the back door, having stood there and watched this entire scene play out. “We’re going back to the table.”

Frank nodded and then June turned and began to walk towards the table with Nicky right behind her. Danny then walked passed Alex and I, smiling and said, “Congratulations!” I returned with a “Thank you,” and once Danny had passed, turned to Alex and whispered, “Nicky’s boyfriend. The groom’s brother.” Alex nodded and looked up as Frank was almost to us.

I expected Frank to dart passed us, maybe offering a smile, maybe not even that, but he surprised me by stopping right in front of us. Frank looked me right in the eye and smiled. I thought in that instant that maybe it was because of what Danny had said to him in the bathroom, or somehow, now, seeing me with Alex, it changed things for him, but either way, I was going to take it as a win. I looked right back and Frank, smiled, and then turned to Alex and said, “This is my new brother-in-law, Frank.”

Alex smiled and said, “Nice to meet you.”

Frank returned, “Nice to meet you as well.” Frank then looked me right in the eye again and smiled. He didn’t say anything at first, but was just looking right at me. I was pretty puzzled. I wasn’t sure exactly what was about to happen, but then, Frank said, “April, I am so sorry. I’ve been a jerk to you and I know I can’t say anything to make up for it, but I just hope to show you moving forward that I am going to be a better person to you.”

I looked up at Frank and smiled. I wanted to hug him, but I didn’t want to push it too much. “Thank you, Frank,” I said. “That really means so much to me.” It didn’t make everything better instantly, but it sure felt like a step in the right direction.

Frank nodded and said as he turned to follow his new wife back to the table, “And congratulations!”

“Thank you!” both Alex and I called after him. Alex and I smiled and laughed a little at that and were still looking at each other smiling, holding hands when my mother stepped towards us. My mother took each of our free hands into one of hers, looking at us both, smiling.

My mother looked to Alex first and said, “I cannot even imagine what you must think of me if April has even told you half of what I have said to her and how I have treated her over the years, but please, I promise you that I am going to try to do much better.”

Alex nodded at my mother and said, “Thank you, Mrs. Baker. I know that will mean the world to April. I know that she really does love you, Mrs. Baker and all she has ever wanted has been to be your daughter.”

My mother nodded, taking in what Alex had said to her. My mother then looked to me and said, “I am sorry. I am truly very sorry. I won’t make excuses, but just know that what you and your grandmother said to me here today about you and your father really has made me think a lot. I still have a lot to think about and a lot to work through. To be honest with you, honey, one of my biggest worries about what I understood about the life you had chosen was that you were going to have a hard time finding a long-term relationship – a true life partner, but now, seeing you with Alex, it has really made me think that I was wrong about all of that. I see that Alex truly loves you, and you truly love her, and that has shown me that I was wrong about a great many things.”

With that, I used my mother’s hand to bring her closer and I embraced her while still holding both hers and Alex’s hand. As I held her, my mother said, “I hope you can forgive me and give me a chance. I promise to do better. I promise to try very hard to love you no matter what, like you say your father said I would some day. I want to make today that day.”

I was starting to tear up a bit again, overwhelmed by both what had just happened with Alex showing up and accepting my proposal, with my grandmother inviting all of our friends and Alex’s family to our wedding, and with my mother apparently, finally, after all of those years, seeming to accept me as her daughter April. It felt odd – it all seemed to happen so fast. It was over ten years of snide remarks, dirty looks, and nasty feelings that somehow completely turned around just in the course of an afternoon.

“You have made me happier that you could ever know,” I said to my mother. “I love you.”

“I love you, too, April,” she said.

That did it. I once again was looking up and trying not to let the tears come as I could do little else but smile and continue to embrace this new woman that my mother had turned into at June’s wedding.

After about another minute or so of standing there, embracing my mother for the first time in over ten years, we separated and she released our hands. Alex and I then turned and started to walk towards the long table at the front of the reception area, still holding hands. Mother walked behind us and it was the first time I could remember not feeling completely paranoid with her walking behind me.

When we reached the long family table, Frank was placing a chair between the chairs that Grandma and I were sitting in before I got up to go to the bar and all of these amazing events unfolded. When we reached the chairs, we all returned to our seats and I sat there, beaming, holding Alex’s hand, smiling so wide and thinking on our future together.

Not long after, my grandmother appeared, carrying a plate of food and placed it in front of Alex, who smiled up at her and said, “Thank you, Mrs. Baker.”

“Don’t mention it, dear,” my grandmother said, smiling back. She then leaned over towards me and whispered right in my year, “No wonder I never could set you up with that cute little Benny Harper.”

My eyes widened and I turned to my grandmother to see her looking at me with her little grin she gave me when she zinged me on something. “Grandma!” I shouted.

My grandmother laughed, kissed me on the forehead and then took her place next to me at the table. Now that my grandmother was seated and Alex had started to eat, I took a moment to take in all that just happened in the past ten minutes or so since Alex had showed up in that doorway. I thought about my father and my grandfather and how much I wish they could have met Alex. I thought about what my mother had said and truly hoped that she was actually going to accept me for who I was and accept Alex into the family as she had done so readily with Frank and Danny.

I looked down both sides of the table, just taking in the scene. June and Frank were laughing together, their foreheads pressed together. Danny and Nicky were sitting side-by-side, Nicky’s head on Danny’s shoulder as they talked softly about something. My grandmother had her arm around my mother and was talking to her in a way that I had not seen them talk for many years. It was very genuine and not laced with the fake pleasantry they had put on for quite some time.

As I sat there, I really hoped that this was going to be our new normal – that I was going to just be able to be me moving forward and that my mother and my new brother-in-law would be joining my amazing support team that I had relied on for so many years.

It was then that I began to replay the cute little conversation Alex and I had, talking about our proposal and how she told me that she wanted to change her answer. I laughed a little to myself, but then thought on something else. I turned and looked at Alex, remembering that when we were talking earlier about why she had originally said no to my proposal, she said that he had received some news that morning that put her in an uncertain state.

I was contemplating bringing it up to her, but decided that it was something that she and I could discuss later in private. But, just then, I heard June’s voice calling over from my right. “Alex,” June said, “I am dying of curiosity, so I just have to ask. Bride’s prerogative on her wedding day?”

I turned to look at June with wide eyes, wondering what she might be getting ready to ask Alex, but quickly realizing that it probably was something very similar to what I was contemplating asking her.

Alex was mid-chew, so she smiled a bit with that charming smile of hers, finished chewing, and then looked first to me with a smile, then beyond me towards my sister. Everyone at the table had turned towards Alex at this point, undoubtedly curious as to what June was about to ask her.

“Of course,” Alex said, smiling at June. “You cannot deny a bride a wish on her wedding day.”

“April said that you called her out of the blue two days ago and decided not to come to the wedding after all, yet here you are. What happened?”

I looked away from Alex to June with wide eyes. I had known that was the question that was coming, yet I still looked at my sister with a surprised glance. June just looked at me and crinkled her face a bit, apologizing for asking while at the same time, letting me know that she was OK with asking anyway. I then turned and looked to Alex, giving her a look that would let her know that she did not have to answer.

Alex tapped my thigh with our interlaced hands under the table and smiled at me. “It is OK. I don’t mind answering. It is a very legitimate question.”

Alex then looked passed me to June and said, “As I told April when I first got here, I received some news the morning she proposed that honestly put me in a bit of an uncertain state. It was pretty surprising news and I was still coming to grips with it later in the day when April asked me to marry her, so I panicked.”

Alex looked back at me and continued to smile. “I know I told you I was sorry for that already, but I want you to know that I really mean that. I never once questioned for a second that I wanted to marry you – you just really caught me off guard by proposing out of the blue like that while we were already both so nervous about coming here for the wedding, you know?”

I nodded and raised Alex’s hand that was in mine to my lips and kissed it. “I completely understand,” I said. “My emotions just came over me that day and I decided that there was no time like the present to ask you to spend the rest of your life with me. Maybe I was just wanted to make sure that we solidified everything before we came here for the wedding because I wasn’t sure how it was all going to turn out.”

Alex then raised our hands to her lips and kissed my hand the same way I had just done. “But,” she said, “it really seems that everything has worked out very well. I am so happy that I came to see you to apologize and make things right.”

I responded by leaning forward and kissing Alex quickly on the lips, then said, “I am so happy that you came. You have no idea how much that will always mean to me.”

Alex and I then sat there for a little bit, just looking at each other and smiling. We were then pulled back to reality when I heard June ask, “So, Alex, what was the news you got? I am so curious!”

Alex looked passed me again, back over to June and chuckled a bit. “Oh, right. I got a little sidetracked.”

Alex then looked back at me and turned towards me a bit in her chair, taking my free hand into her free hand, and placing our hands between us where our legs were touching. “I guess,” she said, “now is as good of a time as any to tell everyone.” She paused a second and then continued, “I was going to tell you when we were alone later, but I will just tell you now.” Alex breathed out and took another pause. I was starting to get a little worried because she seemed so nervous, and then, she said, “We’re going to have a baby.”

I looked wide-eyed at Alex, in honest and total disbelief. I was not on hormones and I had not had any surgeries, so it made perfect sense that my plumbing would all be working just fine, but I felt that we had been pretty careful about ensuring something like this did not happen, but again, like they tell you, nothing is foolproof.

“Are you...” I asked, “Are you serious?”

Alex bit her bottom lip and looked at me with such an excited expression as she nodded yes.

I threw my arms around Alex’s neck and pulled her closer to me. I kissed her on the lips and rested my forehead against hers, looking right at her smiling. I honestly was not prepared at all to hear something like that, but I knew with our lives and our love, we would be perfectly OK with welcoming a child into our new little family. In fact, the more I thought about it, especially since apparently I had just won over both my mother and my new brother-in-law, the more excited I got about it.

I then thought about the news that June had given us just a couple hours earlier and realized that if all went according to plan, we would be raising our babies at the same time. As the thought hit my brain, I instinctively let go of my embrace on Alex and looked over my shoulder towards Nicky, who was smiling ear to ear at the news, and then to June who was still looking at me all wide-eyed and shocked, most likely still wrapping her head around hearing that I was pregnant, too.

As I was looking at June, I could feel and hear both my mother and grandmother getting up out of their chairs and encircling Alex, congratulating her and telling her how excited they were about her being pregnant. They both said it was a miracle and with knowing how absolutely careful I had been to ensure that we did not get pregnant, I felt it was, too.

As June continued to look at me, I could not help but feel that Alex showing up and then letting everyone know that she was pregnant was doing a pretty good job of stealing her thunder on her wedding day, though that part about telling everyone Alex was pregnant was pretty much all June’s doing with her questions. And while I had planned absolutely none of that, I still started to feel a little bad.

“June...” I said, encouraging her with my wide eyes and smile.

“April...” she said back to me, still looking at me. I laughed to myself a bit as my sister and I then had an entire conversation with our eyes and facial expressions without saying a single word. I felt that I let her know that I was sorry to be stealing her thunder, but that I also thought it was the perfect time for her to speak up.

After we finished our little exchange with our eye contact, June smiled and nodded, to which I said, “Do you want to say it, or do you want me to say it?”

June thought for a second and then started to laugh as she buried her hands in her face. At that point, everyone turned their attention from me and Alex to June, trying to figure out what was going on as Nicky got up out of her chair and moved over behind June’s chair and put her hands on her shoulders.

“Tell them,” Nicky said, shaking June a little bit.

“I can’t,” June said with her face still buried in her hands. June then slowly let her eyes peek out above her fingers, looking at me, and said, “OK, you tell them.”

June reached over and took Frank’s hand in hers and shook it a bit, excited as you could see Frank trying to figure out what was going on. I was about to say it myself when I thought it would be so cute to let Little Franny spill the beans as we were all so worried she would earlier when we were talking upstairs. I looked over towards the first round table that was closest to us where I knew Julie, Derek, and Little Franny were sitting. All three of them had heard what we had said and were all looking right at us, watching.

“Little Franny,” I called, “will you come here?” I looked at Julie and she nodded at me. She then picked Little Franny up off of her chair and put her on the ground. The second she was standing on her own two feet, Little Franny ran towards me and stopped right across the long family table from me. She was looking at me so eagerly, ready to be a good girl and answer or do whatever I asked or said.

In that moment, I thought on all of those times that I thought about Little Franny and all of those mothers and children I saw out in the world everyday and realized, that while I might not be the one who was going to carry my child, I, too, was going to be a mother just like that one day, and it filled my heart with such joy and anticipation.

“Will you tell everyone what Auntie June has in her belly?” I asked the smiling little girl.

She nodded with such excitement and started to jump up and down as she pointed at June and said, “Auntie June has a baby in her belly!”

There was a quick instant of complete silence as everyone within earshot of the shouting Little Franny realized what she had just shouted. And then, the silence was replaced with some gasps and some sentiments, and finally after a few seconds, some cheers and applause.

June looked from me to my mother, grandmother, and Alex, then to Danny, and finally, to her new husband. June was literally glowing red by the time Frank stood up from his chair as Nicky moved back over towards me and he stood his wife up from her chair and embraced her.

My mother and grandmother moved passed Alex and I and rushed over to June. Danny stood up and moved over towards us with Nicky as the four of us watched my mother and grandmother congratulate June on her amazing news. Then, as June and Frank moved over to talk with his parents, my mother and grandmother came over to me and Alex and embraced us together, the four of us sharing a lovely and warm hug for a good duration.

“April, I am so happy for you,” my grandmother said. “So much good and amazing news in one day!”

My mother then said, “April, I know I have waited far too long to say this, but I am so proud of you. I am so proud to see you starting a family. I really hope that you will forgive me and visit much more often.”

I felt my eyes starting to tear up as we released our embrace and Alex hugged tight on me from the side. I had to look up again once more to keep from crying and then said to Mother, “I cannot tell you how much it means to me to hear that. Of course I forgive you, and of course we will come and visit. I know we are both looking forward to it.”

Alex then chimed in with, “Yes, I am really looking forward to it,” then said, “and I am greatly looking forward to everyone meeting my dads.”

I looked at my mother as the words hit her ears and she processed what Alex had just said. My mother looked at me, a little surprised, but then her expression turned back into a smile and she said to Alex, “Of course. I would love to meet them.”

I was honestly quite surprised at how well my mother took learning that Alex had two dads, and was becoming quite impressed with my mother at that point.

Not long after everyone learned that both June and I were about to become mothers, June and Frank cut the big wedding cake and the caterers served it to everyone. The rest of the wedding was a very surreal experience as I was frankly on cloud nine for having not only had Alex accept my proposal, but also tell me that we were having a baby.

Not long after the wedding cake was cut, the sun finally started to disappear behind the hills, and while the backyard was well lit with more than a few strings of lights and a few big spot lights that were attached to the back of the house, the guests started to leave.

Alex and I made our way around the backyard, greeting and chatting with family members as I introduced Alex to the people I knew would be loving and accepting of her, and avoided the people I was not too sure about, or flat out knew would be best to avoid entirely.

Once most of the guests had left, June and Frank departed to go on their honeymoon. June wanted to wait until most of the guests had gone so she could sneak away quietly. Danny and Nicky left at the same time to go see them off at the airport and I decided to stick around with Alex to help ensure that the caterers were wrapping up the meal and beverage services and getting the tables and chairs broken down so my grandmother did not have to worry about any of it.

My mother and grandmother retired into the house not long after and said their goodnights and headed up to their rooms. Then, once everyone had gone and I had locked up the house, I took Alex with me into that big, long downstairs bathroom to get my garment bag so that she and I could return to my hotel room. I was not looking forward to that nearly hour-long drive, but in the end, having the room all to ourselves that night was going to definitely be worth it.

I led Alex into the bathroom by the hand and she promptly asked,  “So, this is the bathroom you are always talking about?”

“The very one,” I smirked as I stood there just inside the doorway, holding her hand for just a few seconds, taking in the sight of the room one more time since I knew it would be at least a little while before I was going to see it again.

Alex then reached down and touched the towel that I had used earlier in the day as it was still slung over the bathtub edge. “And is this one of the fluffy yellow towels that you are always going on about?”

“It most certainly is,” I smiled.

“You were right about it being oddly shaped for sure,” Alex said, “but it is a pretty remarkable bathroom. I definitely can see how growing up here had an impact on you. This room definitely looks like it could be a refuge – like you could spend hours and hours in here, just relaxing.”

I nodded. “I would open the window so I could look out over the rolling grass and the hills in the distance and then just lay in this tub and relax and think and think and think. Think about how I felt so awkward being the only boy in a family with two sisters. Think about how I hated doing all of those boy things that my mother always insisted that I do. Think about how I wanted to live a very different life from the life that my mother was wanting for me. Even being able to sit and enjoy taking a bath was a huge luxury for me when I was here at Grandma’s house.”

“Because boys take showers, and girls take baths?” Alex smiled, shaking my hand a little bit and looking over at me with a loving and supportive smile.

I had told Alex many times all about my mother saying that to me about showers and baths. And right in that moment, standing there in that bathroom, it meant so much to me to have my lovely and beautiful fiancee, who was going to bring a child into the world with me, vocalize those very words that hurt so much when I was younger, letting me know that she understood what pain I had felt about those words all those years ago.

“You know,” I said, “I never thought, even though I really wanted it, that I would ever step foot in this house and this bathroom fully as April. I also never thought that I would ever be here at this house with someone that I loved – someone that was actually my other half – but, then, when I met you, I started to hope that maybe it would happen one day. When you and I split up, it was actually one of the first things I thought about – the chances of us being here together, in this house, in this bathroom – seemed like they all faded away. But, here you are now, standing together with me in this bathroom, in this house, with me as April on the very first day of my life, after all of these years, that my mother accepted me and called me April – called me her daughter. I could never tell you in words what that all means to me.”

Alex leaned over and gently kissed my lips. We shared a short little kiss and she stayed there, close, looking right at me, and said, “You don’t need to explain it to me. Now that I have been here and now that I have met your family, I can see it all and feel it all. Every minute that you spent struggling to be you. Every minute that you spent hoping that one day you could live the life that you wanted to live. Every minute you spent hoping against hope that you would find someone to share it all with.”

Alex paused a second, almost as if she was thinking on what to say next. She then smiled and said, “I could not be more proud of you and your life that you have built despite the challenges, and also with the support, from your family. I can see why this place and your grandmother mean so much to you. I felt like I understood it all before I came here, but I see now that I did not fully understand it entirely, and now, I do. Now, I know, even more, what you and I have together – this life that we are going to build – with our family – is such a special and amazing thing.”

Alex and I embraced and shared another short little kiss. At that point, I let go of her hand and walked down the length of that bathroom, over to the shower door, where I had left my garment bag hanging. I reached up and unzipped my garment bag, not really noticing too closely what was in there as I gently placed my bouquet of flowers in the bag so I could more easily carry it to the car since I was planning on drying it and preserving it. As I zipped the bag back closed again and turned my attention back to Alex, out of the corner of my eye, I caught just a slight glimpse of something shiny and royal blue. I did a double take and then looked at Alex, smiling.

“What is it?” she asked.

I unzipped the garment bag again and then reached inside, taking out the beautiful little pair of royal blue satin and lace thong panties that I had intended to wear that day that I swear were not in the garment bag earlier when I was looking for them.

“Oh my god,” I said, looking at Alex with wide eyes. “These are the panties that I could not find earlier! Not having these is what set my mom off earlier, which led to her coming around. I guess they were in here the whole time!”

“Maybe your guardian angel hid them from you,” Alex smirked.

“Maybe...” I said, looking at her a little funny. “I swear that I really looked in here and they were not here when I was getting dressed! I don’t know how I could have missed them!”

“Maybe it was just meant to be,” Alex smiled. “Like you and me.”

“Awwwww,” I said as I rezipped the garment bag, took it from its hanging spot on the shower and moved back over to Alex, taking her hand back in mine again. “Like you and me,” I said back to her, smiling.